The hollowness in the center of me makes a bell like sound, resounding through my entire being. Reverberating in my head. A solid, strong, solitary, "Gong". Ringing through my ears and making my soul shutter with fear.
Even when surrounded by 8 million strangers, even when surrounded by an entire group of people who love me unconditionally... loneliness still manages to creep in and hollow me out. It steals my smile and dulls the sparkle in my eyes.
As much as I loathe this feeling, I am almost equally as terrified to lose myself too much in the moment. I feel chasing moments will lead me to losing everything I have worked hard to get. It would ruin my direction and I will spend my life looking for moments instead of allowing them to come to me. Spending life searching for moments would make the moments worth less than if I didn't expect them, and they just came to me out of the blue...
Who knows...
My mind says think first, and act accordingly. Don't just willingly fall into any relationship with blinded eyes in order to pacify your hearts thirst. My heart says do what you feel, and lose yourself in the one thing that inspires you the most. The one thing that teaches the most meaningful lessons. The one thing that makes everything else in the world seem minuscule. Love. My heart reaches for whomever reaches back... recklessly falling for many, and any... even those I cannot have, further instigating its own torment. Like a starving animal caught in a trap, it would chew away the in between matter attaching it to me if it could. Luckily no mouth has it been granted or else it would surely be the demise of us both. The constant struggle between heart and mind leave me weary and exhausted.
She's willing to risk all for a "hit" of this Ecstasy, while he would rather wait for a constructive alignment. But he is losing his ground... and in this limbo my soul tears. Hanging by shredding threads, standing upon a precipice... stand or allow myself to fall?
The waves below whisper my name and wind tempts me as it wraps around my body pulling me closer to the edge. The danger of the fall exhilarates and frightens me simultaneously. Sometimes one must step outside of oneself to get the full perspective, do what they wouldn't usually do to understand why they didn't do it to begin with. Should I fall?
Friday, December 28, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Fantasy
Faery goddess of the dawn
grant me dew to quench my thirst
and sunlight to warm my body from the dark night.
Love has forsaken me and left me naked and helpless
lying in this meadow shivering in the pale moonlight.
Take me under your wings until I can stand on my own again
Fill my head with your fantasies of infinite bliss
until my heart learns to believe them again...
and the pain subsides.
This poem is spawned from my fear of becoming disenchanted with love, like everyone else in the world seems to be. When I tell people about my views on love they look at me with pity, as if I was spewing some sort of nonsensical tarradiddle from my mouth, as if love is this false entity that only exists in fairy tales. Sometimes it is hard to believe wholeheartedly in something when there is no one else on your side. Blind faith is a discipline that is seemingly impossible to master, but somehow I manage to keep believing. Not to say that I don't occasionally doubt myself, but luckily I am stubborn enough to hold fast to my ideals. I have this desire to prove to the world that if you believe in something enough, even if all the odds are against you... it will eventually come. (and just in case you think I believe in faeries, this is my reference to God. I just think that God is better suited as a faery goddess in this instance... its much more whimsical. And the fact that I am asking a "fictitious" character to restore my faith in something that most people don't believe in, seemed to amuse me too :)
grant me dew to quench my thirst
and sunlight to warm my body from the dark night.
Love has forsaken me and left me naked and helpless
lying in this meadow shivering in the pale moonlight.
Take me under your wings until I can stand on my own again
Fill my head with your fantasies of infinite bliss
until my heart learns to believe them again...
and the pain subsides.
This poem is spawned from my fear of becoming disenchanted with love, like everyone else in the world seems to be. When I tell people about my views on love they look at me with pity, as if I was spewing some sort of nonsensical tarradiddle from my mouth, as if love is this false entity that only exists in fairy tales. Sometimes it is hard to believe wholeheartedly in something when there is no one else on your side. Blind faith is a discipline that is seemingly impossible to master, but somehow I manage to keep believing. Not to say that I don't occasionally doubt myself, but luckily I am stubborn enough to hold fast to my ideals. I have this desire to prove to the world that if you believe in something enough, even if all the odds are against you... it will eventually come. (and just in case you think I believe in faeries, this is my reference to God. I just think that God is better suited as a faery goddess in this instance... its much more whimsical. And the fact that I am asking a "fictitious" character to restore my faith in something that most people don't believe in, seemed to amuse me too :)
Monday, November 26, 2007
the downside to having too much hope in people
(This was written a little while ago and I never published it in fear that people may take it too personally. I have a tendency to over exaggerate sometimes for literary effects... so this is not directed to anyone personally, I have actually felt like this on numerous occasions, I just wrote it down this time.)
Have you ever felt a pain in the center of your chest? It's weird to me. It's not my heart that hurts but the center of my soul. Right next to my heart. It's numbing to the rest of my body. I can't feel my feet and my head feels light, besides the thoughts racing at 1,000 miles per hour. That's how I felt this morning on the train.
Amazingly I got to work without ever really being aware of where I was. My feet somehow took over and did what they know to do. My Fingers rummaged through my ipod trying to find music that would alleviate the pain. Unfortunately the right music was no where to be found on my ipod.
So my mind tuned out the music and ran in circles, like a dog chasing its tail. Spinning and spinning, trying harder and harder to catch the unattainable. An answer.
Sometimes I put too much hope into people. Expecting them to constantly try their hardest to be the best they can be. I don't mind if people fall as long as they fall in ignorance... as long as they don't know or haven't realized yet that what they are doing is wrong, or at least understand the magnitude of their actions. Once something is realized I don't understand why one would do it again, or at least make the effort to start resolving the problem. I don't understand peoples desire to remain stagnant in their misery. How a person can know that they aren't truly happy in the situation they are in and yet allow the comfort of what they are used to dig them deeper into their holes.
I ask myself constantly if I am being hypocritical... and I hope not, but I do know that this is a habit that I do not like in myself nor other people. So if I do see it in myself again I will quickly break out of it. I will not and can not allow myself to have excuses for failure. Seeing as though failure is relative as with everything else, people use relativity as an excuse for failure as well. Maybe I am too stuck in my ways, or just selfish in the fact that I just want everybody to succeed. But is that such a flaw... I meet the most amazing people with the potential of gods, and somehow they always manage to be their own self destruction. They ask me to speak the truth to them, and I would do nothing less out of respect for them. Then they get angry and vengeful towards me for loving them too much... where do I draw the line?
I am sure this is only a phase, and I will get over it soon. actually writing it down makes me feel much better...
Have you ever felt a pain in the center of your chest? It's weird to me. It's not my heart that hurts but the center of my soul. Right next to my heart. It's numbing to the rest of my body. I can't feel my feet and my head feels light, besides the thoughts racing at 1,000 miles per hour. That's how I felt this morning on the train.
Amazingly I got to work without ever really being aware of where I was. My feet somehow took over and did what they know to do. My Fingers rummaged through my ipod trying to find music that would alleviate the pain. Unfortunately the right music was no where to be found on my ipod.
So my mind tuned out the music and ran in circles, like a dog chasing its tail. Spinning and spinning, trying harder and harder to catch the unattainable. An answer.
Sometimes I put too much hope into people. Expecting them to constantly try their hardest to be the best they can be. I don't mind if people fall as long as they fall in ignorance... as long as they don't know or haven't realized yet that what they are doing is wrong, or at least understand the magnitude of their actions. Once something is realized I don't understand why one would do it again, or at least make the effort to start resolving the problem. I don't understand peoples desire to remain stagnant in their misery. How a person can know that they aren't truly happy in the situation they are in and yet allow the comfort of what they are used to dig them deeper into their holes.
I ask myself constantly if I am being hypocritical... and I hope not, but I do know that this is a habit that I do not like in myself nor other people. So if I do see it in myself again I will quickly break out of it. I will not and can not allow myself to have excuses for failure. Seeing as though failure is relative as with everything else, people use relativity as an excuse for failure as well. Maybe I am too stuck in my ways, or just selfish in the fact that I just want everybody to succeed. But is that such a flaw... I meet the most amazing people with the potential of gods, and somehow they always manage to be their own self destruction. They ask me to speak the truth to them, and I would do nothing less out of respect for them. Then they get angry and vengeful towards me for loving them too much... where do I draw the line?
I am sure this is only a phase, and I will get over it soon. actually writing it down makes me feel much better...
Monday, November 19, 2007
Philosophy... hmm... lol
You know... it's easy to be consumed in the world. We wake up everyday and follow the same routines. Becoming slaves to society. Then we complain about how much we dislike our lives, and wish we could do something to change it. But how many of us really change the things we say we want to, and if we really wanted to change why not just do it. It is as simple as that. Honestly, we decide to go through the things that we go through in order to understand ourselves better. Yet we believe that life is playing some cruel joke on us, or the "devil" is tormenting our helpless, innocent, souls. That we are victims to a greater power, instead of taking responsibility for our own thoughts and actions and controlling our own destiny. If God really wanted us to be perfect, (with all of his infinite power) why wouldn't he just make us perfect. I believe the truth is that for God to understand perfection, "nirvana", the highest truth, love, infinity, limitlessness, he must understand reality, for everything exists in balance. He created reality, where things are tangible, and there are limits such as time, space, matter, and capacity. We are created in a world where we believe in what we see and what is tangible. There really aren't constraints, just the belief of constraints. God lives and experiences through us what it feels like when one set limits for oneself. No one can experience limitlessness without understanding the opposite of having limits. So God is everything... me, you, the air, the sun, the desk, the trashcan, the homeless person on the street, george bush. In order to know all you must experience all, and that is God.
I believe that there is no excuse to be limited besides ones own decision to have limits. Granted, I do believe that there is an enormous amount of ignorance and some people are so blinded by day to day life to think individually (as they are meant to). Manmade religion, and laws, and other peoples perception of what's right and wrong are what we allow to dictate our morality, forgetting to create personal morality. And it's probably neccessary for religion and laws to exist to keep some kind of order in this chaotic world, and just another way to experiece limits of ones ability to think for oneself. I believe we follow these religions and laws as truth because it's easier. It's much easier to follow than think individually. It's much easier to not plague our minds with such deep thoughts that do nothing but lead back to the same outcome... everything is relative. We control our destiny, our life, our salvation, our minds, what is right and what is wrong is really an individual thought. There is not truth to what is right or wrong... it's all relative to ones destiny. What is right for one person may not be right for someone else becuase we all have different purposes and paths to follow. It takes good to understand bad. It takes pain to understand and appreciate bliss. It takes poverty to appreiciate wealth. For instance... somone who has always been absurdly rich does not understand the true meaning of their wealth until it has been taken from them, for how could one experiencing a constant state understand what they have if they have never not had it. To them it is just a constant part of life. If someone is rich (according to society's standards of wealth) their entire life they will never trully undertand how wealthy they are because their concept of struggling could be only having a million dollars instead of 50 million dollars. Sorry for the long explanation, just trying to get my point across.
Anyways... my point is we choose the lives that we live. No one is a victim. We can all choose to be "happy". Those who live their lives feeling sorry for themselves choose to be sad, unaccomplished, and content in their sorrow. To some, living a destitute life is their destiny, and their soul chooses to experience life this way maybe to appreciate in their next life what true bliss is. Which leads me to believe that one cannot experience all of what they should experience in one life... so reincarnation must exist, but that is another tangent i refuse to embark upon right now lol .... ps- I could have gone on forever but I wanted to keep it reasonable lol.
I believe that there is no excuse to be limited besides ones own decision to have limits. Granted, I do believe that there is an enormous amount of ignorance and some people are so blinded by day to day life to think individually (as they are meant to). Manmade religion, and laws, and other peoples perception of what's right and wrong are what we allow to dictate our morality, forgetting to create personal morality. And it's probably neccessary for religion and laws to exist to keep some kind of order in this chaotic world, and just another way to experiece limits of ones ability to think for oneself. I believe we follow these religions and laws as truth because it's easier. It's much easier to follow than think individually. It's much easier to not plague our minds with such deep thoughts that do nothing but lead back to the same outcome... everything is relative. We control our destiny, our life, our salvation, our minds, what is right and what is wrong is really an individual thought. There is not truth to what is right or wrong... it's all relative to ones destiny. What is right for one person may not be right for someone else becuase we all have different purposes and paths to follow. It takes good to understand bad. It takes pain to understand and appreciate bliss. It takes poverty to appreiciate wealth. For instance... somone who has always been absurdly rich does not understand the true meaning of their wealth until it has been taken from them, for how could one experiencing a constant state understand what they have if they have never not had it. To them it is just a constant part of life. If someone is rich (according to society's standards of wealth) their entire life they will never trully undertand how wealthy they are because their concept of struggling could be only having a million dollars instead of 50 million dollars. Sorry for the long explanation, just trying to get my point across.
Anyways... my point is we choose the lives that we live. No one is a victim. We can all choose to be "happy". Those who live their lives feeling sorry for themselves choose to be sad, unaccomplished, and content in their sorrow. To some, living a destitute life is their destiny, and their soul chooses to experience life this way maybe to appreciate in their next life what true bliss is. Which leads me to believe that one cannot experience all of what they should experience in one life... so reincarnation must exist, but that is another tangent i refuse to embark upon right now lol .... ps- I could have gone on forever but I wanted to keep it reasonable lol.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
fickle gays!
so things have been the same i suppose. maybe a little busier. hence my lack of blogs.
i spent the other night speaking to this guy on the phone that i met online until 4:30 in the morning. knowing i had to work the next morning, i should have made a smarter decision, but i kind of wanted to be a rebel. you know i am only young once, and sometimes i think it's a good idea to do things out of the ordinary so that you can actually have experience into why you don't normally do them. i learned that i will probably never do that again because i now really know what the ramifications are. anyways... he was really attractive, 26 or so and his name was andre. we spoke for almost 5 hours, and it was one of the most draining conversations that i have ever had! he swore he knew everything, and figured if he argued with me long enough about something that i would conform to his idea. and granted he had very valid points, i would not agree with him. and he hated this lol. i hate know it alls, although i do tend to have my moments as well. but the fact that i wouldn't agree with him just made him argue longer, so after a while i was just like "you have a very valid point, and i may not agree with you completely but i do respect your perspective". you dont know how hard it is for me to admit someone is right when they aren't, and its even harder when they are arrogant and me giving in just boosts their ego. he was very reminiscent of my stepfather, a Taurus (that says enough there), egotistical, confident, giving the impression that he cares just so that people think higher of him so he feels good about himself. and i am sure you are asking by now why the hell i stayed on the phone with him for so long... well i did find his confidence, and intelligence, and just the fact that he had well though out opinions on things, to be attractive. and he was very attractive physically as well. and because he was older, i thought maybe i could learn something from him. yeah... after debating with him about my thoughts "good music" vs. "bad music", and him telling me that i can't say whetever music was good or bad because i am an artist and apparently i am not supposed to have an opinion on the fact that i think that 50 cents music doesn't strike me as being music like mozart, or india arie, i was finished. he debated about how mary j. blige was better than mariah carey because she was a more intense performer (never mind the fact that instead of singing she just opens her mouth and screams whatever note suits the extreme amount of pain she is obviously in to sound that way). and that india arie was just boring so that made her inferior to 50 cent because he has exciting music (never mind the fact that my 10 year old sister can rap 50 cent songs almost as well as he can). the fact that he can write a good hook makes him an equivalent MUSICIAN as mozart! hell to the nah! he has knack for simple catchy poetry. i dont equate that to amazing musicianship. but whatever that is my opinion and i am fine with that. he later went into how effeminate qualities weren't natural and i am not even going to go into that. he was determined to argue with me until i agreed with him! and if you know me, you know that wasn't going to happen. he called me an elitist, and said that i was bourgeois:) what ever... maybe i am, i really dont care. my thing is i have strong opinions on things and i am fine with everybody not thinking the same way as i do. anyways... he had some major issues, yet i was slightly entertained by his antics. and by the end he stopped arguing with me and the questions became a little more sexual, which i must say was intriguing. then he started raving about his requirements... hairless...(and if you know me, you know that is far from what i am) and young, and whatever else. he became so fickle! and superficial! ugh... disgusted me! and although i told him i was not meeting all of his "prerequisites" he still liked me a lot. yeah... and i told him good night and realized that more than any other feeling i had towards him i was mostly afraid to disappoint him. i was very insecure and kind of shaken up after all of this. and if this was just the start of things... then this was definitely a no.
i came to the conclusion that meeting people online in general was not good for me. given my insecurities and being in the process if learning to truly love myself for everything that i am, meeting people who have "prerequisites" before meeting up makes me really insecure. its just not for me. i cant be around such superficiality... and i would like to say to all my gay people... learn to love each other for who we are. only excepting those extremely masculine, attractive men, with six packs as being attractive is unreasonable. we are gay. it's ok for men to be effeminate and they can be attractive as well. and we just need to start focusing more on personality because thats how we can begin to have real relationships, not based on lust, or vanity. we can demolish our insecurities if we all just felt more accepted. and stop blaming straight people for all of our problems and take responsibility into our own hands. stop expecting straight people to treat us all the same when we can't even do it ourselves. lead by example!
sorry there is a little more to this story but i dont have the time to keep ranting lol.
i spent the other night speaking to this guy on the phone that i met online until 4:30 in the morning. knowing i had to work the next morning, i should have made a smarter decision, but i kind of wanted to be a rebel. you know i am only young once, and sometimes i think it's a good idea to do things out of the ordinary so that you can actually have experience into why you don't normally do them. i learned that i will probably never do that again because i now really know what the ramifications are. anyways... he was really attractive, 26 or so and his name was andre. we spoke for almost 5 hours, and it was one of the most draining conversations that i have ever had! he swore he knew everything, and figured if he argued with me long enough about something that i would conform to his idea. and granted he had very valid points, i would not agree with him. and he hated this lol. i hate know it alls, although i do tend to have my moments as well. but the fact that i wouldn't agree with him just made him argue longer, so after a while i was just like "you have a very valid point, and i may not agree with you completely but i do respect your perspective". you dont know how hard it is for me to admit someone is right when they aren't, and its even harder when they are arrogant and me giving in just boosts their ego. he was very reminiscent of my stepfather, a Taurus (that says enough there), egotistical, confident, giving the impression that he cares just so that people think higher of him so he feels good about himself. and i am sure you are asking by now why the hell i stayed on the phone with him for so long... well i did find his confidence, and intelligence, and just the fact that he had well though out opinions on things, to be attractive. and he was very attractive physically as well. and because he was older, i thought maybe i could learn something from him. yeah... after debating with him about my thoughts "good music" vs. "bad music", and him telling me that i can't say whetever music was good or bad because i am an artist and apparently i am not supposed to have an opinion on the fact that i think that 50 cents music doesn't strike me as being music like mozart, or india arie, i was finished. he debated about how mary j. blige was better than mariah carey because she was a more intense performer (never mind the fact that instead of singing she just opens her mouth and screams whatever note suits the extreme amount of pain she is obviously in to sound that way). and that india arie was just boring so that made her inferior to 50 cent because he has exciting music (never mind the fact that my 10 year old sister can rap 50 cent songs almost as well as he can). the fact that he can write a good hook makes him an equivalent MUSICIAN as mozart! hell to the nah! he has knack for simple catchy poetry. i dont equate that to amazing musicianship. but whatever that is my opinion and i am fine with that. he later went into how effeminate qualities weren't natural and i am not even going to go into that. he was determined to argue with me until i agreed with him! and if you know me, you know that wasn't going to happen. he called me an elitist, and said that i was bourgeois:) what ever... maybe i am, i really dont care. my thing is i have strong opinions on things and i am fine with everybody not thinking the same way as i do. anyways... he had some major issues, yet i was slightly entertained by his antics. and by the end he stopped arguing with me and the questions became a little more sexual, which i must say was intriguing. then he started raving about his requirements... hairless...(and if you know me, you know that is far from what i am) and young, and whatever else. he became so fickle! and superficial! ugh... disgusted me! and although i told him i was not meeting all of his "prerequisites" he still liked me a lot. yeah... and i told him good night and realized that more than any other feeling i had towards him i was mostly afraid to disappoint him. i was very insecure and kind of shaken up after all of this. and if this was just the start of things... then this was definitely a no.
i came to the conclusion that meeting people online in general was not good for me. given my insecurities and being in the process if learning to truly love myself for everything that i am, meeting people who have "prerequisites" before meeting up makes me really insecure. its just not for me. i cant be around such superficiality... and i would like to say to all my gay people... learn to love each other for who we are. only excepting those extremely masculine, attractive men, with six packs as being attractive is unreasonable. we are gay. it's ok for men to be effeminate and they can be attractive as well. and we just need to start focusing more on personality because thats how we can begin to have real relationships, not based on lust, or vanity. we can demolish our insecurities if we all just felt more accepted. and stop blaming straight people for all of our problems and take responsibility into our own hands. stop expecting straight people to treat us all the same when we can't even do it ourselves. lead by example!
sorry there is a little more to this story but i dont have the time to keep ranting lol.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
HESITATION...
HESITATION
my hesitation drives me insane
knowing that at the root lies insecurity
a vain sence of insecurity
always needing to be absolutely sure before i jump
ensuring that i never break
but most of the time i am fairly sure of what the outcome will be before hand
but i still wait
i still hesitate
hes...i...tate...
driving myself insane
waiting in vain
hes............i..........tate...........
thinking to myself
just one more day...
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
ok...one more day
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
no! wait!... one... more... day...
and i will know for sure that i can jump and land safely
conveniently... forgetting... to... remember that i have legs all my own
that are able to easily withstand the fall alone
and yet i hesitate
.............
.............
hes.......
i...........
tate......
on the verge of insanity
to pacify my own vanity (or security. one in the same in this instance)
i...........HESITATE!!!!!!!!!
interestingly enough as much as i hate this process
i revel in the sheer fact that i am feeling strongly again
because as you see i have a problem allowing myself to feel
or at least act upon my feelings
letting them just die away one after another
many possibilities of love lost in my indifferent indecisiveness
can you see how this can be maddening?
i think i just want someone to say...
"stop! you are beautiful! you are amazing! i love everything about you! every flaw! its ok... you don't have to be perfect for me to love you!"
and i need to believe it
just one person to love me unconditionally
and i will be fine
...until then...
i hesitate...
they say that you just have to love yourself fully
and i feel i do love myself
but i have a hard time excepting my own flaws
believing that accepting them just leads to laziness
and an excuse to not be the best that i can be
so... i hesitate
and hesitate...
and when the day comes that i feel someone loves me unconditionally
i will see if that is enough for me.
until then i guess there's just
the constant aggrevation of
no alleviation
from this numbing isolation
of my invalidation...
simply... and subtly...
hesitation.
my hesitation drives me insane
knowing that at the root lies insecurity
a vain sence of insecurity
always needing to be absolutely sure before i jump
ensuring that i never break
but most of the time i am fairly sure of what the outcome will be before hand
but i still wait
i still hesitate
hes...i...tate...
driving myself insane
waiting in vain
hes............i..........tate...........
thinking to myself
just one more day...
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
ok...one more day
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
no! wait!... one... more... day...
and i will know for sure that i can jump and land safely
conveniently... forgetting... to... remember that i have legs all my own
that are able to easily withstand the fall alone
and yet i hesitate
.............
.............
hes.......
i...........
tate......
on the verge of insanity
to pacify my own vanity (or security. one in the same in this instance)
i...........HESITATE!!!!!!!!!
interestingly enough as much as i hate this process
i revel in the sheer fact that i am feeling strongly again
because as you see i have a problem allowing myself to feel
or at least act upon my feelings
letting them just die away one after another
many possibilities of love lost in my indifferent indecisiveness
can you see how this can be maddening?
i think i just want someone to say...
"stop! you are beautiful! you are amazing! i love everything about you! every flaw! its ok... you don't have to be perfect for me to love you!"
and i need to believe it
just one person to love me unconditionally
and i will be fine
...until then...
i hesitate...
they say that you just have to love yourself fully
and i feel i do love myself
but i have a hard time excepting my own flaws
believing that accepting them just leads to laziness
and an excuse to not be the best that i can be
so... i hesitate
and hesitate...
and when the day comes that i feel someone loves me unconditionally
i will see if that is enough for me.
until then i guess there's just
the constant aggrevation of
no alleviation
from this numbing isolation
of my invalidation...
simply... and subtly...
hesitation.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
missed audition:(
sitting at my desk... india arie just came on the radio bringing a smile to my face... her music does something to me that i only wish i could describe in words. she sings away all worries, and pain, and stress. and the thing is she probably isn't even the best singer, but there is a quality to her voice that does something to the air it fills. it gives me hope that maybe thats what i am supposed to do.
i am a little upset because i just found out that alicia keys had auditions yesterday for back-up singers! and i of course didn't find out until today. the only thing i can do to not be uspet is to just remind myself that it just wasn't meant to be. maybe i will get a gig with india! who knows. i just have to be optimistic.
yesterday was my mothers b-day. and i was going to write something about her but i don't want to write something that's not worthy of her... and since i don't really have time, i am not going to attempt to throw something together. just know that she is an amazing woman, and is the reason i am the way that i am today. i love her with all of my heart and hope to give back to her all that she has given to me.
ommm... i guess that all that's on my mind really, i mean there are other things but i don't want to keep repeating things in previous blogs. so peace... :)
i am a little upset because i just found out that alicia keys had auditions yesterday for back-up singers! and i of course didn't find out until today. the only thing i can do to not be uspet is to just remind myself that it just wasn't meant to be. maybe i will get a gig with india! who knows. i just have to be optimistic.
yesterday was my mothers b-day. and i was going to write something about her but i don't want to write something that's not worthy of her... and since i don't really have time, i am not going to attempt to throw something together. just know that she is an amazing woman, and is the reason i am the way that i am today. i love her with all of my heart and hope to give back to her all that she has given to me.
ommm... i guess that all that's on my mind really, i mean there are other things but i don't want to keep repeating things in previous blogs. so peace... :)
Monday, September 17, 2007
what drunkenness brings about...
The weekend was relaxing. The weather was very autumn like. my roomate left for LA for a couple of weeks giving us boys a break (and of course as i type this my phone is vibrating from a text message from her). andre and i grocery shopped, and relaxed all day with our friend hassan (an ex interest of mine who didn't work out so well, who may be now turning towards andre). i made sausage gravy from scratch which gave me some sense of home. then last night our friend abdul got back from his trip to europe and invited us out to a club called hiro which i have never been very fond of. but ivan called and insisted that robbie and i go... so we did. courtney and quinton didn't like this very much being as though they have been begging us to go there for a minute and i always declined. but they are only going to go to find boys anyways to leave me all to my lonesome attempting to move to music that i am not very fond of, with a bunch of people i don't find very appealing... hmmm... no. anyways so we went and had a pretty good time! ivan made sure i had a good time up until he went and danced with some boy... which was partially my fault because i told him that if he liked him he shouldn't stop himself and that i would be fine. and i was for a while submersing myself in my drunkenness and the lights and music kept me entertained for a while. and then of course jealousy began to rear its ugly head, especially since i was drunk. of course i didn't react at all as if it didn't affect me, and i can't blame him if i am not honest about my feelings towards him. whatever. by the end of the night i had been through a whole array of emotion, although i must say it was the first time i have actually allowed myself to really feel anything for a while so it was almost enjoyable in a weird kind of way. i tried not to think of it too much but for some reason when i am drunk my thoughts run wild. i am over it now though so i guess thats all that really matters. i really hate that i drag these things out so much and allow them to plague me for such a long time. but i am so afraid of being vulnerable sometimes that i will not allow myself to risk it. i feel like if i become vulnerable, i don't have anybody strong enough to catch me if i should fall... i feel like my friends need me to be strong and there is no room for weakness on my part. and the truth is my friends are all amazing people who could easily catch me and i would trust them to but i hate feeling like a burden on people. i need to allow myself to live a little more i suppose and stop trying to be so controlled all the time. its actually something i have been working on but i guess its time to really just let go and live life a little more. and ironically they have all told me that too.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
i knew there was a reason i work on wall st.!!!
OMG! so... read this, and then I will explain. and if you know me already then you would already understand by just reading the article!...
Thursday, 13-Sep-2007, 2:54AM EDT Posted by LynnMoney Honey
We know that songbird Mariah Carey owns a splashy triplex apartment in TriBeCa, but apparently one downtown home isn't enough.Our ever-vigilant spies have seen her on numerous occasions at the Philippe Starck-designed 15 Broad St. building in the Wall Street area. After a little digging, we've discovered she's renting a furnished two-bedroom, two-bath condo on a high floor in the former J.P. Morgan headquarters for approximately $8,000 per month."She's there only at night," said our source in the building.
Source: New York Post
I work at 20 Broad st. 15 Broad st. is right on the other side of the street! like I am looking out of my window at 15 Broad now! Many of my customers live in that building! the only problem is Mariah only comes at night. If I were only a little more fanatical I would camp out and wait to see her! and for all those that don't know me, I have been in love with Mariah Carey since I was 4 years old. She is one of the main reasons as to how I discovered that I could sing. and I just have a thing for divas, especially those who defy all odds and haters! lol that has made my morning.
omm... besides that i guess it's a normal morning. and last night robbie and I took the 3 year journey to the dreaded bronx to hang out at ivans house. I must say that one... it was really ghetto. two... the boys get hotter and hotter the further in you go, and oddly homo (they all try to pretend there not as they break there neck looking at us as we walk by). three... to be as "hard" as they are, they sure do dress very metro. and four... if it weren't so far i would contemplate moving there lol. anyways we had fun at ivan's. still i am slightly reluctant to tell him that i am beginning to like him. but in speaking to robbie and amber about it, i think the best thing to do would be to just tell him nonchalantly and not make it a big deal. if he is feeling similarly then we will handle it from there and if not, things go back to normal. luckily i have this ability to hold control my feelings for someone... at least up until i allow myself to fall for them. after that, then there is no return. but i haven't completely let myself fall for him to protect myself, and i refuse to swoon for anybody that is not reciprocating lol.
Thursday, 13-Sep-2007, 2:54AM EDT Posted by LynnMoney Honey
We know that songbird Mariah Carey owns a splashy triplex apartment in TriBeCa, but apparently one downtown home isn't enough.Our ever-vigilant spies have seen her on numerous occasions at the Philippe Starck-designed 15 Broad St. building in the Wall Street area. After a little digging, we've discovered she's renting a furnished two-bedroom, two-bath condo on a high floor in the former J.P. Morgan headquarters for approximately $8,000 per month."She's there only at night," said our source in the building.
Source: New York Post
I work at 20 Broad st. 15 Broad st. is right on the other side of the street! like I am looking out of my window at 15 Broad now! Many of my customers live in that building! the only problem is Mariah only comes at night. If I were only a little more fanatical I would camp out and wait to see her! and for all those that don't know me, I have been in love with Mariah Carey since I was 4 years old. She is one of the main reasons as to how I discovered that I could sing. and I just have a thing for divas, especially those who defy all odds and haters! lol that has made my morning.
omm... besides that i guess it's a normal morning. and last night robbie and I took the 3 year journey to the dreaded bronx to hang out at ivans house. I must say that one... it was really ghetto. two... the boys get hotter and hotter the further in you go, and oddly homo (they all try to pretend there not as they break there neck looking at us as we walk by). three... to be as "hard" as they are, they sure do dress very metro. and four... if it weren't so far i would contemplate moving there lol. anyways we had fun at ivan's. still i am slightly reluctant to tell him that i am beginning to like him. but in speaking to robbie and amber about it, i think the best thing to do would be to just tell him nonchalantly and not make it a big deal. if he is feeling similarly then we will handle it from there and if not, things go back to normal. luckily i have this ability to hold control my feelings for someone... at least up until i allow myself to fall for them. after that, then there is no return. but i haven't completely let myself fall for him to protect myself, and i refuse to swoon for anybody that is not reciprocating lol.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
hmmm... wednesdays
not really much to write about today besides the fact that the weather is beautiful. its just chilly enough for a hoodie, and the air is slightly crisp. no humidity making my skin sticky and my mood irritable. the beginnings of my favorite time of the year... Autumn! my b-day, halloween, moving into the holidays, lots of nostalgia, and good memories. pumpkin pie, and beff stew. fall fairs back home, and scarecrow making. oranges and yellows, reds and browns. i love it all. i love the jackets and layering of clothes, hats and scarves. riding in the car looking at the colorful trees. i love it all! maybe i will write a poem about it later...
but anyways i am trying to get over this cold for the weekend so last night i went home and went to sleep so there wasn't much to write about i suppose. tonight the boys and i are supposed to go to ivans to finally watch the VMA's in their entirety. tell you tomorrow what i thought.
but anyways i am trying to get over this cold for the weekend so last night i went home and went to sleep so there wasn't much to write about i suppose. tonight the boys and i are supposed to go to ivans to finally watch the VMA's in their entirety. tell you tomorrow what i thought.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
thinking of sleep...
She sings a sirens song in my mind calling on my eyes to shut with her soft lullaby,
as my head dances to and fro never resting ensuring that she wont catch me.
With her promises of alleviation from reality and deliverance into a dreamworld where anything I may desire is just a thought away.
where I can bend reality into unimaginable shapes and colors.
so alluring, so enchanting, so easy to give into...
she has the tendency to leave me open-mouthed, and sometimes drooling at the sight of her.
cruelly teasing me, she runs away when I need her the most leaving me wide eyed in the middle of night thinking about how I should be with her...
and in the day when she should hide is when she consumes my mind pulling me closer and closer to incoherence as I sit at my desk at work.
Sleep is her name and she taunts me so...
as my head dances to and fro never resting ensuring that she wont catch me.
With her promises of alleviation from reality and deliverance into a dreamworld where anything I may desire is just a thought away.
where I can bend reality into unimaginable shapes and colors.
so alluring, so enchanting, so easy to give into...
she has the tendency to leave me open-mouthed, and sometimes drooling at the sight of her.
cruelly teasing me, she runs away when I need her the most leaving me wide eyed in the middle of night thinking about how I should be with her...
and in the day when she should hide is when she consumes my mind pulling me closer and closer to incoherence as I sit at my desk at work.
Sleep is her name and she taunts me so...
Monday, September 10, 2007
sick weekend
i ordered my apple cinnamon tea as usual this morning, and the quote attached to the little string was ...
"All love that has not friendship for its base is like a mansion built upon the sand." Ella Wheeler Wilcox
this leads to a lesson i have recently learned about myself. i had been looking like everyone else to find love. following my friends leads on to sites to meet people thinking that i could meet someone online and it lead to something lasting and real. and i realized thats not what these sites were for. and where may have worked well for my highly sexual, and experienced friends, it is not for me. these people want hook ups either for sexual alleviation or to temporarily fill some void. i am not looking for either of these. i find that knowing someone first is so much better. it diminishes many of the insecurities that come along with meeting someone with the intention of more than just friendship. its just much more comforting and just smarter in general. i am the kind of person this quote refers to.
this weekend was a sick weekend. friday night i caught whatever it was that all of my friends had been battling with all week. i caught a fever, sore throat, stuffy nose, headache... it was just bad. i stayed at robbie and quinton's house with dre and courtney and we chilled and watched movies. of course the 2 party animals courtney, and quinton went out but the rest of us stayed and chilled. saturday i slept on and off until almost 6! and if you know me 6 o'clock is ridiculously late! but i was sick so whatev i guess. i got up and went home and did the same there. sunday morning i was feeling better and i got up and cleaned the bathroom with the intention of cleaning the rest of the house... it never happened lol. dre and i got up and got cute and met ivan for dinner at The Pink Tea Cup, a little soul food place in the village. we spoke over our fried chicken and collard greens. soul food takes me back home to Virginia and makes me feel calm in the midst of all the craziness in Manhattan. sitting with andre and ivan was really relaxing. andre with his southern ways, and ivan just so layed back and engaging. they make me calm and were the perfect mix for a a sunday night dinner. another great thing about this restaraunt is the juke box. it has every kind of music you can imagine, and what it doesn't have i think you can pay a little extra and download the song to the juke box! its amazing! after that we went to robbiy and quinton's house again to chill since we had already missed the britney spears performance on the VMA's. (luckily Ivan recorded it so we are going to go to his house sometime this week to watch). we just chilled there for a while, talked about the norm and laughed like always. now its monday morning and and i sit here at work drinking my apple cinnamon tea (that i am now finishing and realized that i sweetened just a little too much), listening to light jazz, recovering from my cold, looking out the window at wall street, feeling oddly content in this moment. i think this blog is definitely a good thing for me. it helps me put all of these whirling, introspective, thoughts into some sort of order:)
"All love that has not friendship for its base is like a mansion built upon the sand." Ella Wheeler Wilcox
this leads to a lesson i have recently learned about myself. i had been looking like everyone else to find love. following my friends leads on to sites to meet people thinking that i could meet someone online and it lead to something lasting and real. and i realized thats not what these sites were for. and where may have worked well for my highly sexual, and experienced friends, it is not for me. these people want hook ups either for sexual alleviation or to temporarily fill some void. i am not looking for either of these. i find that knowing someone first is so much better. it diminishes many of the insecurities that come along with meeting someone with the intention of more than just friendship. its just much more comforting and just smarter in general. i am the kind of person this quote refers to.
this weekend was a sick weekend. friday night i caught whatever it was that all of my friends had been battling with all week. i caught a fever, sore throat, stuffy nose, headache... it was just bad. i stayed at robbie and quinton's house with dre and courtney and we chilled and watched movies. of course the 2 party animals courtney, and quinton went out but the rest of us stayed and chilled. saturday i slept on and off until almost 6! and if you know me 6 o'clock is ridiculously late! but i was sick so whatev i guess. i got up and went home and did the same there. sunday morning i was feeling better and i got up and cleaned the bathroom with the intention of cleaning the rest of the house... it never happened lol. dre and i got up and got cute and met ivan for dinner at The Pink Tea Cup, a little soul food place in the village. we spoke over our fried chicken and collard greens. soul food takes me back home to Virginia and makes me feel calm in the midst of all the craziness in Manhattan. sitting with andre and ivan was really relaxing. andre with his southern ways, and ivan just so layed back and engaging. they make me calm and were the perfect mix for a a sunday night dinner. another great thing about this restaraunt is the juke box. it has every kind of music you can imagine, and what it doesn't have i think you can pay a little extra and download the song to the juke box! its amazing! after that we went to robbiy and quinton's house again to chill since we had already missed the britney spears performance on the VMA's. (luckily Ivan recorded it so we are going to go to his house sometime this week to watch). we just chilled there for a while, talked about the norm and laughed like always. now its monday morning and and i sit here at work drinking my apple cinnamon tea (that i am now finishing and realized that i sweetened just a little too much), listening to light jazz, recovering from my cold, looking out the window at wall street, feeling oddly content in this moment. i think this blog is definitely a good thing for me. it helps me put all of these whirling, introspective, thoughts into some sort of order:)
Friday, September 7, 2007
love again... i am such a hopeless romantic:)
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
i love this quote. it was in this book i am reading called "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" i haven't read much but it's really good so far. kind or quirky and interestingly written. and i think the author is the same guy that wrote "Running With Scissors."
Anyways back to the quote... its so true. I have started liking people before that i thought subconciously that i didn't deserve. they were too nice, and too rich, and liked me way too much, and i felt as if i was almost taking advantage of them. spending all of their time consumed on making me happy. it scared me because i thought at some point or another they are going to see the "real me," although i was never fake, and not like me any more. and then i have been with people on the opposite end of that spectrum where they loved me too, but i felt that they weren't worth my time because it was destined to fail in the end. i felt they couldn't handle me. so i would slowly become evasive and slip away when they weren't looking. finding myself alone again. but now that i realize this thanks to this book, maybe i can accept the love people offer me.... we will see:)
i love this quote. it was in this book i am reading called "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" i haven't read much but it's really good so far. kind or quirky and interestingly written. and i think the author is the same guy that wrote "Running With Scissors."
Anyways back to the quote... its so true. I have started liking people before that i thought subconciously that i didn't deserve. they were too nice, and too rich, and liked me way too much, and i felt as if i was almost taking advantage of them. spending all of their time consumed on making me happy. it scared me because i thought at some point or another they are going to see the "real me," although i was never fake, and not like me any more. and then i have been with people on the opposite end of that spectrum where they loved me too, but i felt that they weren't worth my time because it was destined to fail in the end. i felt they couldn't handle me. so i would slowly become evasive and slip away when they weren't looking. finding myself alone again. but now that i realize this thanks to this book, maybe i can accept the love people offer me.... we will see:)
Thursday, September 6, 2007
another day...
another day...
passes again...
another day...
passes again...
nothing great...
nothing terrible...
and this is why i become complacent...
and this is why i become complacent...
i may try to find beauty in this day,
but to force myself to find beauty from nothing could go one of two ways...
becoming complacent and settling for nothing to make me happy...
or having a sense of pseudo happiness to passify my mind...
i'd rather be discontent lol...
passes again...
another day...
passes again...
nothing great...
nothing terrible...
and this is why i become complacent...
and this is why i become complacent...
i may try to find beauty in this day,
but to force myself to find beauty from nothing could go one of two ways...
becoming complacent and settling for nothing to make me happy...
or having a sense of pseudo happiness to passify my mind...
i'd rather be discontent lol...
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
how amusing things can be sometimes...
the weird mood that i have been going through the last couple of days that i like to call P.MAN.S (lik pms), is finally fading. i feel a little better, and a little less jaded. thank god... i was beginning to drive myself crazy!
ommm... you know its funny how things work sometimes. there was this straight boy in high school that i had a crush on. he recently hit me up on myspace and told me he likes boys!! exciting! anyways he and i have had a fairly fun flirtatious dialogue running the past couple days that has kept me fairly intrigued. i am going to see him when i go back home! the only thing i am a little worried about is the fact that he has a girlfriend. for some reason i don't take it that seriously though. maybe i should... maybe i shouldn't... i don't know. but i don't know what his intentions are with me either so until it comes up i suppose we are going to keep it friendly. and i am going to conveniently stop thinking about it there hehe... just be spontaneous, because apparently i am too safe with my heart according to my friends.
ommm... you know its funny how things work sometimes. there was this straight boy in high school that i had a crush on. he recently hit me up on myspace and told me he likes boys!! exciting! anyways he and i have had a fairly fun flirtatious dialogue running the past couple days that has kept me fairly intrigued. i am going to see him when i go back home! the only thing i am a little worried about is the fact that he has a girlfriend. for some reason i don't take it that seriously though. maybe i should... maybe i shouldn't... i don't know. but i don't know what his intentions are with me either so until it comes up i suppose we are going to keep it friendly. and i am going to conveniently stop thinking about it there hehe... just be spontaneous, because apparently i am too safe with my heart according to my friends.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
circles of unanswerable questions...
its funny how ambers blog was very similar to what i have been thinking all weekend. leaving the advice that i gave on her blog is what i constantly tell myself in order to maintain some kind of sanity, but it seems as if it's becoming harder and harder to not become disillusioned with life, people, dreams, sanity, and love most of all. as a child, and even up until very recently i believed that the greater good always prevails. and where that philosophy works well with me, others don't seem to follow or even care about this rule. people do things that they know are wrong, and know will have consequences, yet they do them anyways. as if to test the laws of the universe, tipping the scales to see if they tip back. doing absurd things to prove to themselves that they have some kind of power, whether it be good or bad... they are in some way affecting something major. i wonder how people think... i have no other option than to be highly introspective and overthink everything, it would be such a luxury to not have to do so... do people physically not think like i do, or do they just choose to not think? but how can one choose to not think? do you have to think of not thinking, and in that one is still thinking... or are they just absent of thought. if only my brain could just be void occasionally, instead of plaguing me with this constant stream of questions about things that probably cannot be answered. my mind runs in circles asking questions of this sort which is why i just become so disenchanted with life and people. ugh as you see... i am rambling now, one thought leads to another, and then another, never really ending. one question leads to the next, and the next, halfway answering one and leading to another. never answering fully any of these unanswerable questions. and the biggest question is are there really people who don't think like this? how can ones mind not be working? are they void of thought, or are there thoughts just less complex? like... what's for dinner tonight? or what's going to be on oprah? and while these questions also go through my head, i don't allow them to stay long because they really aren't that important, so why waist time thinking of such menial things? then... is it that i choose to think this way, since i won't waist my time thinking of menial things? do people not have the same opinions about menial thinking? and if they don't, do they really believe that thinking about such menial things is going to get them anywhere in life? or do they not care? are they content being content in conditions that one shouldn't be content with? which brings me full circle... do people just not care? and i become disillusioned once again with people in general, never reaching their full potential, or being the best that they possibly can, never living up to what one could possibly live up to. leading a fairly meaningless life doing nothing of great value. i suppose there has to be balance, and people have to think that way just like there people who have to think this way. is it anatomy, or fate? lol my roomate andre says that i have a superiority complex, and think tooooo deeply. but agian i don't choose to think this way, i think:), i just choose to not think on a small scale, for to me that is a waist of time. lol circles and circles... what was this blog originally about:)?
ps: don't even get me started on my thoughts on love... lol
ps: don't even get me started on my thoughts on love... lol
Friday, August 31, 2007
do i need a therapist or do they?
last night after work, and the gym, i went home prepared to stay in and go to bed on time, but of course that didn't happen. my roommates (mind you they are both in the process of finding an job, which means no worry about waking up god awful early like myself), decided they were gonna go out to some little club in midtown called "escualitas" or something of the sort. i initially had no desire to go because i have been there and had no interest really in the little queens that go there to vogue normally. but then as i found out that most of my friends were going, i got dressed and tagged along. surprisingly the club had many cute boys, and tall for that matter! - I have found that in New York the population of tall, men is seemingly null and void, i think the average height here is like 5'8- Anyways... the place was highlighted by these two beautiful male go-go dancers! too hot for words! my friends and i swooned over them between our dances, when we needed breaks. I was dancing so hard my knees still hurt from the "dutty wind" lol. the night was overall fairly fun, attractive men, a drag show to whitney houston, a vogue and hip hop dance competition, and good music, what else can one ask for?
On the way home at about 4:30 in the morning we were having a discussion on the train and all of my friends seemed to be so aroused by the go go dancers. now i thought they were really hot, and i swooned just as much if not more than they did but i wasn't really aroused by the idea of having sex with these men. they were all hot and bothered, wanting to just take these men on where they stood. I on the other hand was just fine slipping a dollar in the dancers underwear and smiling at him. like admiring a work of art, and in my mind their bodies were works of art. but for my friends they wanted more... they wanted every part of these men... they wanted, rough, rugged, raunchy... you figure out the rest:) when i hold them that i didn't share this urge, they looked at me like i was crazy. granted, they know me well enough to expect something like that from me, but they proceeded to tell me that i needed to see a psychiatrist. apparently i have some kind of problem... andre's words were "you have the soul of a 40 year old white woman!" lol.
I have had sex a few times before, forcing myself to try it i wanted to see what the hype was all about, but i have never truly been amazed by it. i have come to the realization that in order to love sex, i am going to have to be with someone i love, or care very deeply about. not some random, attractive guy. so the question is... is this normal that my sex drive isn't really through the roof like most of my peers? should i desire to have raw... passionate... sex... with random attractive guys? i don't know... i probably do have some kind of emotional issue tied, in one way or another, to my views on sex, but should that stop my sex drive?do my friends have too much sexual desire? are they the ones who need the help? how would i rather be? .... hmmm... who knows?:)
On the way home at about 4:30 in the morning we were having a discussion on the train and all of my friends seemed to be so aroused by the go go dancers. now i thought they were really hot, and i swooned just as much if not more than they did but i wasn't really aroused by the idea of having sex with these men. they were all hot and bothered, wanting to just take these men on where they stood. I on the other hand was just fine slipping a dollar in the dancers underwear and smiling at him. like admiring a work of art, and in my mind their bodies were works of art. but for my friends they wanted more... they wanted every part of these men... they wanted, rough, rugged, raunchy... you figure out the rest:) when i hold them that i didn't share this urge, they looked at me like i was crazy. granted, they know me well enough to expect something like that from me, but they proceeded to tell me that i needed to see a psychiatrist. apparently i have some kind of problem... andre's words were "you have the soul of a 40 year old white woman!" lol.
I have had sex a few times before, forcing myself to try it i wanted to see what the hype was all about, but i have never truly been amazed by it. i have come to the realization that in order to love sex, i am going to have to be with someone i love, or care very deeply about. not some random, attractive guy. so the question is... is this normal that my sex drive isn't really through the roof like most of my peers? should i desire to have raw... passionate... sex... with random attractive guys? i don't know... i probably do have some kind of emotional issue tied, in one way or another, to my views on sex, but should that stop my sex drive?do my friends have too much sexual desire? are they the ones who need the help? how would i rather be? .... hmmm... who knows?:)
Thursday, August 30, 2007
La Musique
I didn't have much to write about today so... I thought I would write something. ps... this is really rough, but it'll do.
The notes encompass my soul,
The feeling of the song wraps around my thoughts,
Making me feel the music so much that I seem to drift away.
The rhythm cradles me and rocks me to its soft, slow, beat…
Dah…dah…dah…dah… dah…dah…dah…dah…
my eyes close to help focus on the place the music takes me to,
soft, serene… feeling the emotion of the song without physically having to go through the experience again.
“What am I to you? Tell me darling true. To me you are the sea, vast as you can be, deep the shade of blue”
and he was… the sea… as vast as one could be, and deep like the color of the ocean…
At first just teasing me with light waves splashing on my feet… but of course I wanted more…To feel the water surround me… and I dove in head first… too deep…
I was lost in him, wishing he would see me the way I saw him,
Knowing he never would, because like the sea, he had an agenda all his own that I could not even begin to sway.
As much as I pushed and kicked the waves kept pushing me back further and further, while simultaneously pulling me deeper and deeper.
Until finally I was helplessly caught in the current and drowning in him…
No sense of up or down, no idea of where I was besides in his world…
So I gave up and just allowed myself to be carried by the current.
To bask in the freedom of the weightlessness of his world, where I no longer pulled the strings, where he had full control.
My world being a distant memory that was too far to try and return to now and to mesmerized to care...
So I float…lost…weightless…nothing mattered anymore… simply, consumed by him…
So entranced that I forget that I needed to breathe… dangerously close to completely losing myself in this vast unknown bliss.
and in the nick of time he pushed me ashore and I remembered, before it was too late, to breathe.
Left ashore naked, alone, cold, lying on sharp rocks, reminding me that real life hurts and that I can’t stay afloat forever.
I have to be able to walk alone.
So I pick my self up, stumbling, and seemingly heavier than before.
Gaining my consciousness and strength back with every step…
And since then I have been afraid of the ocean…
Only allowing myself to splash in the shallow waves,
Fearing to go any further than ankle deep.
“What am I- to you?” the song slowly fades as reality slowly reemerges in the silence.
Maya Angelou said it best... "Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness"
The notes encompass my soul,
The feeling of the song wraps around my thoughts,
Making me feel the music so much that I seem to drift away.
The rhythm cradles me and rocks me to its soft, slow, beat…
Dah…dah…dah…dah… dah…dah…dah…dah…
my eyes close to help focus on the place the music takes me to,
soft, serene… feeling the emotion of the song without physically having to go through the experience again.
“What am I to you? Tell me darling true. To me you are the sea, vast as you can be, deep the shade of blue”
and he was… the sea… as vast as one could be, and deep like the color of the ocean…
At first just teasing me with light waves splashing on my feet… but of course I wanted more…To feel the water surround me… and I dove in head first… too deep…
I was lost in him, wishing he would see me the way I saw him,
Knowing he never would, because like the sea, he had an agenda all his own that I could not even begin to sway.
As much as I pushed and kicked the waves kept pushing me back further and further, while simultaneously pulling me deeper and deeper.
Until finally I was helplessly caught in the current and drowning in him…
No sense of up or down, no idea of where I was besides in his world…
So I gave up and just allowed myself to be carried by the current.
To bask in the freedom of the weightlessness of his world, where I no longer pulled the strings, where he had full control.
My world being a distant memory that was too far to try and return to now and to mesmerized to care...
So I float…lost…weightless…nothing mattered anymore… simply, consumed by him…
So entranced that I forget that I needed to breathe… dangerously close to completely losing myself in this vast unknown bliss.
and in the nick of time he pushed me ashore and I remembered, before it was too late, to breathe.
Left ashore naked, alone, cold, lying on sharp rocks, reminding me that real life hurts and that I can’t stay afloat forever.
I have to be able to walk alone.
So I pick my self up, stumbling, and seemingly heavier than before.
Gaining my consciousness and strength back with every step…
And since then I have been afraid of the ocean…
Only allowing myself to splash in the shallow waves,
Fearing to go any further than ankle deep.
“What am I- to you?” the song slowly fades as reality slowly reemerges in the silence.
Maya Angelou said it best... "Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness"
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
stage fright!
first i wanna thank you amber for the comment on my last blog, funny thing is i was just giving the same advice to courtney last night who in my eyes has the same problem 10 fold, but i did admit to having a problem with relationships and longing for love/attention. thanks:). anyways... yesterday i went to my first audition since i have been in the city! I suffer with fairly severe stage fright when it comes to auditions. I hate being judged on the one thing that i hold so dear... my voice/music. its hard for me to stand there in front of people who know music and hear them critique me. and although i know that i sing very well and truth is i am not really insecure about my voice, i am actually pretty confident, i think i am more afraid of what they will say about me in general. and as much as people say that one shouldn't care about what other people think about them, i haven't quite reached that level yet. when singing at an audition i can kind of relate it to standing in front of people naked and hearing them pick your physical flaws apart. anywhooo... I auditioned for this traveling harlem gospel choir that was looking for talent to take with them to europe. i sang "his eye is on the sparrow" and "this little light of mine", for lack of better gospel songs in my repertoire lol. the first thing they told me was that i had a great look and a great personality as i turned on the charm when i walked into the room... but when it came time to tell the accompanist to what i was going to sing i could feel body begin to get that nervous awkward type of feeling, like all of a sudden i become self conscious of every move my body makes therefore making things even more awkward. i had to sing loudly over the piano so my voice would fill the giant room enough for the judges to hear me. at the end they asked me very nicely, with big smile if i was nervous... and i told them that i had not auditioned in a while. they said that it was fine, that i just needed to sell myself more. i sang "this little light of mine" and didn't do much more then either. they then told me that i had an amazing voice, great look, great personality, but when it came time to perform that i was too stiff. they needed someone that was comfortable on stage. so in general they told me what i already knew. but i guess it was nice that they liked my voice so much. the truth is that i am not as much of a performer as i am a musician. I love singing for the emotion of it. i don't care to command big audiences or sell out giant stadiums, i just want to make good music to help people get through their rough times, or give them an escape from the world, like my music does for me. but i do need to get over this whole stage fright thing... they were right i have nothing to be nervous about, i am very proud of who i am.
Monday, August 27, 2007
"I can't get no satisfaction!"
I seem to never be satisfied.... this morning I woke again with that weird half empty feeling. Like everything is getting old to me already. I just moved to New York about 6 months ago thinking that my feelings of complacency that I had in Virginia would dissapear, and they seemed to for a while. I suppose they were overshadowed by the constant rush and business created by the city. I am beginning to get very frustrated with myself because I can't seem to find happiness. I remember back when I was in high school, and even middle school when I would wake up in the morning so excited and ready to face the world. I just seemed to wake up on cloud nine, and it wasn't because of living situations, because my family was even less stable then. It just seemed like my optimism on life was so strong. I felt like I had so much to look forward to. I am only 20 years old and have my whole life ahead of me but for some reason I seem to be losing my sense of optimism it seems. Nothing seems to ever be good enough anymore. I thought pursuing my dreams and immersing myself in my art, life, friends, depth, and fun would ease this wierd longing feeling... but it doesn't. The only time I seem to have that floaty, optimistic, larger than life, feeling is when I begin to have feelings for someone, and actually believe that the person likes me back.
This kind of worries me because I feel like I shouldn't allow someone elses feelings toward me to dictate my mood. I should be able to just be happy alone. Then again... I am fairly happy I suppose, no real complaints, just maybe a little bored with everything. I am lacking inspiration, and I think subconciously I believe that love will bring that inspiration.
This weekend I rested a lot. Which was desperately needed, I haven't rested literally since my first week in New York. Even when I go home to visit Virginia to get away from the city I am constantly busy seeing old friends and family. Every body seems to get a piece of me and sometimes it's hard to find peices for myself. I am left scrounging for the few pieces that are left. Anyways... Besides resting I helped paint the boys new apt. in the east village with Ivan. After the night I was feeling rather down being as though I wasn't receiving the attention I wanted from Ivan. He seemed to stay fairly friendly with me, but then again he is probably just taking my lead... I am afraid to flirt with him because I don't want to risk our friendship. In talking to Quinton afterwards he told me that I need to flirt more because I showed no more than a friendly interest. But I am afraid to flirt... afraid that he doesn't actually like me, and then things would get weird and he won't want to come around anymore. So i figure why risk it? Courtney and Robbie also told me that they believe most people are generally attracted to me but I give off such a friendly, uninterested vibe that people are afraid to approach me in a more than friendly manner and skip straight to friends... This would explain why I have so many friends!! Ugh! i need to learn to be more available! lol.
This kind of worries me because I feel like I shouldn't allow someone elses feelings toward me to dictate my mood. I should be able to just be happy alone. Then again... I am fairly happy I suppose, no real complaints, just maybe a little bored with everything. I am lacking inspiration, and I think subconciously I believe that love will bring that inspiration.
This weekend I rested a lot. Which was desperately needed, I haven't rested literally since my first week in New York. Even when I go home to visit Virginia to get away from the city I am constantly busy seeing old friends and family. Every body seems to get a piece of me and sometimes it's hard to find peices for myself. I am left scrounging for the few pieces that are left. Anyways... Besides resting I helped paint the boys new apt. in the east village with Ivan. After the night I was feeling rather down being as though I wasn't receiving the attention I wanted from Ivan. He seemed to stay fairly friendly with me, but then again he is probably just taking my lead... I am afraid to flirt with him because I don't want to risk our friendship. In talking to Quinton afterwards he told me that I need to flirt more because I showed no more than a friendly interest. But I am afraid to flirt... afraid that he doesn't actually like me, and then things would get weird and he won't want to come around anymore. So i figure why risk it? Courtney and Robbie also told me that they believe most people are generally attracted to me but I give off such a friendly, uninterested vibe that people are afraid to approach me in a more than friendly manner and skip straight to friends... This would explain why I have so many friends!! Ugh! i need to learn to be more available! lol.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Artistic Motivation...
Since yesterday a lot has happened, as usual in my life... It never ceases to amaze me how much I can fit into 24 hours. So I will go over the three major highlights...
-First, last night after the gym I was walking with Robbie and Courtney around chelsea looking for Quiznos (which I love!) and we ran into a small furniture shop that Robbie was going to buy a couch from. As I was browsing I saw a large upright piano in really good condition. It seemed as if it had been there for a while and the owner didn't quite know what to do with it. I believe it had papers and random books stacked upon the top of it. Anyways I joked with the owner and asked him how much he would sell it to me for, and he surprisingly responded with a mere $500!!!! After I picked myself up from the ground from fainting at the idea that I was about to fulfill a dream I have always had (to own a vintage piano), i went over and tinkered with it a bit. It was a bit out of tune, but nothing that I can't get repaired. Anyways I didn't happen to have the $500 to put down then but I told him to hold onto it and that I would be back. I am going to make it a birthday gift to myself along with whoever wants to chip in lol. Once I get it I am thinking about stripping the wood and staining it blue, or maybe like a vintage yellow. So excited!!!
-First, last night after the gym I was walking with Robbie and Courtney around chelsea looking for Quiznos (which I love!) and we ran into a small furniture shop that Robbie was going to buy a couch from. As I was browsing I saw a large upright piano in really good condition. It seemed as if it had been there for a while and the owner didn't quite know what to do with it. I believe it had papers and random books stacked upon the top of it. Anyways I joked with the owner and asked him how much he would sell it to me for, and he surprisingly responded with a mere $500!!!! After I picked myself up from the ground from fainting at the idea that I was about to fulfill a dream I have always had (to own a vintage piano), i went over and tinkered with it a bit. It was a bit out of tune, but nothing that I can't get repaired. Anyways I didn't happen to have the $500 to put down then but I told him to hold onto it and that I would be back. I am going to make it a birthday gift to myself along with whoever wants to chip in lol. Once I get it I am thinking about stripping the wood and staining it blue, or maybe like a vintage yellow. So excited!!!
Second- I went home early last night to catch up on the sleep and succeeded... halfway lol. I decided at 10 to lie down and watch a movie, which normally puts me to sleep in a matter of minutes lol. I put on the movie Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley (or however you spell it). It was amazing! I saw it in the theater and thought it was great then, but the second time was just as good! I couldn't take my eyes off! So needless to say I was up until 12:30 watching it, and i have to put up with another exausting day of trying to stay awake at my desk.
And Third- I decided that I really need to get out of the bank that I work in soon. I mean it's great and all that I work on wall st., and I suppose that is advantageous for my resume, but I am a singer! So I looked up the Backstage website for auditions and what have you... I found thid really neat audition for a Harlem Gospel Choir that is soon to be touring europe for a couple of months! I am going to audition on Tuesday, and I convinced my roomate Andre to audition with me! I really think I have a good chance of making it, so wish m good luck.... oh! and the pay starts at $600 a week and goes up to $1200! even better!
On a side note... Tonight I am going to paint at Robbie and Quintons new place in the East village, with Ivan... I will tell you about it later... and I will try to add some pics over the weekend to add a little more life to my page:)
Later...
Thursday, August 23, 2007
what do i think about ivan?
So this is my first blog... don't quite know what to say... so...
Its Thursday! One more day until the weekend! This doesn't excite me as much as it used to because in New York City all the days seem to run together anyways. I just feel like I am working on the weekend all week. I never seem to get to bed before 1 or 2 so it matters not that the weekend is coming, because I sleep even less on the weekends since they are so jampacked.
On another note... I decided to tell my 3 of best friends (Robbie, Quinton, and Courtney), that I think I may be beginning to have feelings for another friend in our group. Ironically 2 of the 3 of them have had some kind of relation with him. Nothing serious or sexual, but slightly more intense than a friendship. You know... making out, or harmless flirtation. They think it is a good idea because we have complimentary personalities. So maybe I will give it a chance...
Ivan... is his name. I met him through Courtney about 4 months ago. Honestly since the first time I met him I found him to be rather intriguing and totally my type, although he would never know because I am really secretive about my feelings for people, especially when the person has had feelings for a close friend of mine. I don't want any drama. The only real hang up I have had is his height... I am about 6'1 and he is about 5'8ish. Ideally I would like someone at least around my height, but I feel like I could be missing out on a major opportunity here if I decide to be shallow. Besides that, he is great! Amazingly sweet, attentive, attractive, beautiful body, modest, intelligent, driven, loyal, and a leo. He is very laid back, yet aggressive enough to not bore me, being as though I am so passive in relationships. I honestly have done a lot of thinking about it (as I usually do with everything), and I can see myself together with him for a very long time. That may be a lot to think about before I even know if he likes me back or not, but that's just the way my brain works.
Another thing he wants like 10 kids! ommm.... Now I like kids and all... and thought that at the most I could deal with... hmmm... 2 lol. 10! yeah not gonna happen. Ok, now I am taking this a little far, thinking of kids and all...
Anyways, we will see what happens from here.
Its Thursday! One more day until the weekend! This doesn't excite me as much as it used to because in New York City all the days seem to run together anyways. I just feel like I am working on the weekend all week. I never seem to get to bed before 1 or 2 so it matters not that the weekend is coming, because I sleep even less on the weekends since they are so jampacked.
On another note... I decided to tell my 3 of best friends (Robbie, Quinton, and Courtney), that I think I may be beginning to have feelings for another friend in our group. Ironically 2 of the 3 of them have had some kind of relation with him. Nothing serious or sexual, but slightly more intense than a friendship. You know... making out, or harmless flirtation. They think it is a good idea because we have complimentary personalities. So maybe I will give it a chance...
Ivan... is his name. I met him through Courtney about 4 months ago. Honestly since the first time I met him I found him to be rather intriguing and totally my type, although he would never know because I am really secretive about my feelings for people, especially when the person has had feelings for a close friend of mine. I don't want any drama. The only real hang up I have had is his height... I am about 6'1 and he is about 5'8ish. Ideally I would like someone at least around my height, but I feel like I could be missing out on a major opportunity here if I decide to be shallow. Besides that, he is great! Amazingly sweet, attentive, attractive, beautiful body, modest, intelligent, driven, loyal, and a leo. He is very laid back, yet aggressive enough to not bore me, being as though I am so passive in relationships. I honestly have done a lot of thinking about it (as I usually do with everything), and I can see myself together with him for a very long time. That may be a lot to think about before I even know if he likes me back or not, but that's just the way my brain works.
Another thing he wants like 10 kids! ommm.... Now I like kids and all... and thought that at the most I could deal with... hmmm... 2 lol. 10! yeah not gonna happen. Ok, now I am taking this a little far, thinking of kids and all...
Anyways, we will see what happens from here.
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