what drunkenness brings about...

The weekend was relaxing. The weather was very autumn like. my roomate left for LA for a couple of weeks giving us boys a break (and of course as i type this my phone is vibrating from a text message from her). andre and i grocery shopped, and relaxed all day with our friend hassan (an ex interest of mine who didn't work out so well, who may be now turning towards andre). i made sausage gravy from scratch which gave me some sense of home. then last night our friend abdul got back from his trip to europe and invited us out to a club called hiro which i have never been very fond of. but ivan called and insisted that robbie and i go... so we did. courtney and quinton didn't like this very much being as though they have been begging us to go there for a minute and i always declined. but they are only going to go to find boys anyways to leave me all to my lonesome attempting to move to music that i am not very fond of, with a bunch of people i don't find very appealing... hmmm... no. anyways so we went and had a pretty good time! ivan made sure i had a good time up until he went and danced with some boy... which was partially my fault because i told him that if he liked him he shouldn't stop himself and that i would be fine. and i was for a while submersing myself in my drunkenness and the lights and music kept me entertained for a while. and then of course jealousy began to rear its ugly head, especially since i was drunk. of course i didn't react at all as if it didn't affect me, and i can't blame him if i am not honest about my feelings towards him. whatever. by the end of the night i had been through a whole array of emotion, although i must say it was the first time i have actually allowed myself to really feel anything for a while so it was almost enjoyable in a weird kind of way. i tried not to think of it too much but for some reason when i am drunk my thoughts run wild. i am over it now though so i guess thats all that really matters. i really hate that i drag these things out so much and allow them to plague me for such a long time. but i am so afraid of being vulnerable sometimes that i will not allow myself to risk it. i feel like if i become vulnerable, i don't have anybody strong enough to catch me if i should fall... i feel like my friends need me to be strong and there is no room for weakness on my part. and the truth is my friends are all amazing people who could easily catch me and i would trust them to but i hate feeling like a burden on people. i need to allow myself to live a little more i suppose and stop trying to be so controlled all the time. its actually something i have been working on but i guess its time to really just let go and live life a little more. and ironically they have all told me that too.