HESITATION
my hesitation drives me insane
knowing that at the root lies insecurity
a vain sence of insecurity
always needing to be absolutely sure before i jump
ensuring that i never break
but most of the time i am fairly sure of what the outcome will be before hand
but i still wait
i still hesitate
hes...i...tate...
driving myself insane
waiting in vain
hes............i..........tate...........
thinking to myself
just one more day...
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
ok...one more day
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
no! wait!... one... more... day...
and i will know for sure that i can jump and land safely
conveniently... forgetting... to... remember that i have legs all my own
that are able to easily withstand the fall alone
and yet i hesitate
.............
.............
hes.......
i...........
tate......
on the verge of insanity
to pacify my own vanity (or security. one in the same in this instance)
i...........HESITATE!!!!!!!!!
interestingly enough as much as i hate this process
i revel in the sheer fact that i am feeling strongly again
because as you see i have a problem allowing myself to feel
or at least act upon my feelings
letting them just die away one after another
many possibilities of love lost in my indifferent indecisiveness
can you see how this can be maddening?
i think i just want someone to say...
"stop! you are beautiful! you are amazing! i love everything about you! every flaw! its ok... you don't have to be perfect for me to love you!"
and i need to believe it
just one person to love me unconditionally
and i will be fine
...until then...
i hesitate...
they say that you just have to love yourself fully
and i feel i do love myself
but i have a hard time excepting my own flaws
believing that accepting them just leads to laziness
and an excuse to not be the best that i can be
so... i hesitate
and hesitate...
and when the day comes that i feel someone loves me unconditionally
i will see if that is enough for me.
until then i guess there's just
the constant aggrevation of
no alleviation
from this numbing isolation
of my invalidation...
simply... and subtly...
hesitation.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
this was interesting i like the fact that it doesn't seem like a poem more of an urgent plea to ones self, something i would do, very nice...and it left me a little confused, im not sure if that was the point but you want someone to love you unconditionally before you tell them how you feel? you are either falling to fast to the point of extreme infatuation or moving so slow that you lose sight of how slow you are going, you need to find a median between the two. everyone has their insecurities but don't let them get so much in the way that they control your life you are supposed to control them. worst case scenario, he doesn't want to take it there but you still remain friends...the sun still rises and sets like the day before and you will be a little disappointed but you will move on. although im not sure how much this is about him, it's bigger than that. the issue is not 'to tell him or not to tell him', the problem is you. it seems like you want someone else to determine your value by showing that they love you and if that doesn't happen you 'break' if you were strong in the first place you wouldn't need that sense of a safety net all the time before taking any risks. i know you think that someone loving you unconditionally will solve these problems and they may help but they won't solve them completely, you have baggage and you need to lighten your load before you dive into a relationship, fix yourself before others see how much of a mess you really are! lmao and for what its worth i love you, not limited to conditions or qualifications but absolutely for now, for real and always :)
Post a Comment