I seem to never be satisfied.... this morning I woke again with that weird half empty feeling. Like everything is getting old to me already. I just moved to New York about 6 months ago thinking that my feelings of complacency that I had in Virginia would dissapear, and they seemed to for a while. I suppose they were overshadowed by the constant rush and business created by the city. I am beginning to get very frustrated with myself because I can't seem to find happiness. I remember back when I was in high school, and even middle school when I would wake up in the morning so excited and ready to face the world. I just seemed to wake up on cloud nine, and it wasn't because of living situations, because my family was even less stable then. It just seemed like my optimism on life was so strong. I felt like I had so much to look forward to. I am only 20 years old and have my whole life ahead of me but for some reason I seem to be losing my sense of optimism it seems. Nothing seems to ever be good enough anymore. I thought pursuing my dreams and immersing myself in my art, life, friends, depth, and fun would ease this wierd longing feeling... but it doesn't. The only time I seem to have that floaty, optimistic, larger than life, feeling is when I begin to have feelings for someone, and actually believe that the person likes me back.
This kind of worries me because I feel like I shouldn't allow someone elses feelings toward me to dictate my mood. I should be able to just be happy alone. Then again... I am fairly happy I suppose, no real complaints, just maybe a little bored with everything. I am lacking inspiration, and I think subconciously I believe that love will bring that inspiration.
This weekend I rested a lot. Which was desperately needed, I haven't rested literally since my first week in New York. Even when I go home to visit Virginia to get away from the city I am constantly busy seeing old friends and family. Every body seems to get a piece of me and sometimes it's hard to find peices for myself. I am left scrounging for the few pieces that are left. Anyways... Besides resting I helped paint the boys new apt. in the east village with Ivan. After the night I was feeling rather down being as though I wasn't receiving the attention I wanted from Ivan. He seemed to stay fairly friendly with me, but then again he is probably just taking my lead... I am afraid to flirt with him because I don't want to risk our friendship. In talking to Quinton afterwards he told me that I need to flirt more because I showed no more than a friendly interest. But I am afraid to flirt... afraid that he doesn't actually like me, and then things would get weird and he won't want to come around anymore. So i figure why risk it? Courtney and Robbie also told me that they believe most people are generally attracted to me but I give off such a friendly, uninterested vibe that people are afraid to approach me in a more than friendly manner and skip straight to friends... This would explain why I have so many friends!! Ugh! i need to learn to be more available! lol.
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jeremy, i am so right, 99% of the time. i remember telling you that you are nvr satisfied and you get bored easily, this is so amusing to me. honestly it would worry me too if i only seemed to be truly 'on top of the world' when i liked someone, but thats because im so independent anyway, you always seemed to be "happier" when you liked someone or had someone showing you the attention you didn't seem to get when you were younger or at least from someone you liked. i think you are just missing that feeling of getting the attention you really want, im sure you get flattery and you have people that look up to you but it just doesn't suffice at times. i was just talking about this yesterday with dana which is so crazy, how its nice when people give me compliments and tell me how pretty i am but it gets so repetitive and at the end of the day they're just words, although im grateful for the attention it'd be nice if it was actually happening with the person i want it to happen with. maybe its different for you, maybe its the same. you have always been so wishy washy, it's hard to sometimes pinpoint what the problem is because you like/have liked so many different people and it always seems to be a different guy, when i joke and say flavor of the week of course im exaggerating, but at times it really is like that. it's almost like you don't want anyone to have enough of you to break your heart (again) and im the same way so i understand. and i apologize in advance for this being so long, but you know how i am when i see an opportunity to give advice lol. now about ivan, instead of using tactics and figuring out how you act around him or whether or not you flirt enough why don't you just tell him. if he's your friend you two already have somewhat of an understanding of each other and if he's a good friend he won't walk away when things get awkward, if they even do. now i'm not sure what you want from him or what your expectations are and although flirting and trying to grab his attention is cute, how long will that work? personally flirting is so harmful nowadays, it really doesn't tell a damn thing lol. if someone flirts with me i don't even think twice about it, so im not sure how good of a device it is to let someone know you like them unless you are thrusting your body onto theirs. something about you is just not clicking, maybe im crazy or your in denial but something is off with you. i have always thought this about you and you always say im wrong but i just cant let go of this theory which is why im so adamant about it lol. the song that best describes you and my theory is "desperado" by the eagles. i'll leave you with some of the lyrics, but in closing tell ivan how you feel if you think its worth it and you can't make yourself be satisfied with the little things, if love is what makes you happy then love you will find and be happy.
"Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin fences for so long now
Oh you're a hard one
i know that you got your reasons
these things that are pleasin you
can hurt you somehow
dont you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
she'll beat you if she's able
you know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
now it seems to me, some fine things
have been laid upon your table
but you only want the ones that you can't get
desperado, oh, you ain't gettin no younger
your pain and your hunger, they're drivin you home
and freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin
your prison is walking through this world all alone..."
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