now that its's over

It happened...

just like i knew it would
i am learning that my intuition is NEVER wrong
so why did i do it i ask myself...
i suppose i just knew i needed it
i know WE needed it

falling is the single greatest thing that can happen to someone
it stretches and builds muscles that cannot be built in any other way.
i knew you would expand the size of my heart.
i will love much better, smarter, and deeper after this.

humbled by the way something far greater than i reached in so deep and stole my make believe resolve that i work so hard on maintaining.
i usually am "strong" or "hard" for everyone else around me so that they may have some sort of example of a constant state of resolve and joy.

but i too slip and fall...
i fall hard
i fall fast
i close my wings and dive
straight into you
i show you that you are worth all the love that exists within me
which is technically limitless
i am subconsciously teaching us both a lesson
that we both deserve nirvana
unyielding, infinite, unfathomable... love, light, connection, bliss.

yes... i feel this strongly... or i at least believe it exists and I am attempting with all of my soul to unlock that place buried on the other side of all that insecurity, inadequacy... that overall FEAR

i cried again this morning
just a little
only because coming back down to solid ground can be jarring and painful
we live in a world where disenchantment stains and callouses the skin
making it difficult to connect the light within all of us
and for just a few weeks i was able to get so close to you that i began to feel your light
thus beginning to grasp my own light
and in that... everyone's light...
glimpses of eternity

and with work... one day i will fully grasp that light and shine for all to see and learn from
(maybe that's what stars are... hmmm)

thank you for allowing me to be who i was
and thank you for being who you were
in every aspect

love
j...
xoxoxo

letter to u... although u will never see it... i hope lol

Is it healthy to think of you as often as i do?
hmmm... probably not
but who knows really?

Do you think of me as much?
It's fine if you don't...
just let me know please
because I'd prefer if this were a mutual infatuation

Honestly, i am a little afraid... make that... TERRIFIED that i may be all alone in this again

not that you made me feel that way
i am sure it is just my own insecurities
you are just kind of perfect and i am worried you will find someone more suited for your idea of perfection maybe someone that you are more sexually attracted to or someone more masculine maybe... that's what usually happens... or someone with a bigger butt... yeah that's happened too...

If you are gonna do that, please just be open about it
i will learn to understand
Ideally I just want you to be happy because in turn that makes me happy

All i really want to do is just lie in the bed with you all day
or just have you lie in my lap and watch t.v. for hours
or maybe travel to some distant country and share some crazy adventure!

It's a lot like you are my drug
something like ecstasy
everything feels better, tastes better, sounds better, smells better when you are in mind

and i try to let you know without scaring you away... hence the fairly regular meaningless texts just saying "hey babe"...

i know it's only been a short amount of time but is it okay that i may have started (and finished) planning our lives together? (pretty sure it's not... ugh)

please don't think that i am crazy... i just like you a lot

and i am judging myself enough for the both of us after reading this lol

maybe i am a little crazy... but mainly crazy for u:)