dreams?

the moon tonight seems just as bright but doesn't have that usual magical effect on me.

it isn't surrounded by stars like I remember.

it's just ominous...

a blemished white light stuck in the gloomy, glowing, slate gray sky.

of course my eyes are filled with tears and its all a little blurry.

i am baffled by the way people shoot down dreams.

like they are something that you catch... contagious even.

i suppose misery loves company right?

like because i am a dreamer i do not belong amongst those who see things the real way.

like the only way to survive is to abide by this unwritten law that we have to do what everyone else does to pretend like we are happy as well.

people aren't happy... they are victims of the world... and find comfort there...

they know this place well.

their parents did it, and their grandparents, and so on.

and when someone comes around that dreams they find pleasure in proving to them the way of the real world.

well here i am world for all of you to bleed...

but i will bleed light, and love, and music, and dreams,

and you will learn.

dreams are the seeds for happiness.

and i will plant seeds everywhere i go...

no rock unturned.

see me... and i will show you

There you are stars... i see you now:)

Chaos

reverberating sounds bounce from all directions
black and purple sweeping through the atmosphere
stars unconventionally aligning and making it possible
for me to exist in a dream world.

the world does not always understand me
as i am finding freedom
learning from my fellow dreamers to unbind my soul

a free and drifting spirit
remembering how to seep light from every pore in my body
on a journey to touch everyone and everything
to exist unconfined

strattling the line between fiction and non
creates ripples in the material world
often times creating tears
most of joy
but some of pain and misunderstanding

chaos rules here
as all things completely open are easily succeptible to constant change
i settle into it
with my rose colored glasses making everything beautifully nebulous
and i am armed with my voice, my words, my mind, my heart, my soul

i will remind the world of its true colors and help to make them more vivid

come along now, we have work to do my fireflies...

weightless

standing in the center of the mary go round

everything moves so fast

my eyes can't keep up

so I just stare ahead and watch the jade colored trees seep into the sunsetting sky

amazed by this effect

my stomach is suspended and my breath short

my mind grasping for something steady

but I decide to let go, close my eyes, and enjoy the suspense

I'm pretty used to enjoying being on the edge and holding on for dear life as I exist in the spin

but in this moment I am stepping back and observing the spin

weightless...

now that its's over

It happened...

just like i knew it would
i am learning that my intuition is NEVER wrong
so why did i do it i ask myself...
i suppose i just knew i needed it
i know WE needed it

falling is the single greatest thing that can happen to someone
it stretches and builds muscles that cannot be built in any other way.
i knew you would expand the size of my heart.
i will love much better, smarter, and deeper after this.

humbled by the way something far greater than i reached in so deep and stole my make believe resolve that i work so hard on maintaining.
i usually am "strong" or "hard" for everyone else around me so that they may have some sort of example of a constant state of resolve and joy.

but i too slip and fall...
i fall hard
i fall fast
i close my wings and dive
straight into you
i show you that you are worth all the love that exists within me
which is technically limitless
i am subconsciously teaching us both a lesson
that we both deserve nirvana
unyielding, infinite, unfathomable... love, light, connection, bliss.

yes... i feel this strongly... or i at least believe it exists and I am attempting with all of my soul to unlock that place buried on the other side of all that insecurity, inadequacy... that overall FEAR

i cried again this morning
just a little
only because coming back down to solid ground can be jarring and painful
we live in a world where disenchantment stains and callouses the skin
making it difficult to connect the light within all of us
and for just a few weeks i was able to get so close to you that i began to feel your light
thus beginning to grasp my own light
and in that... everyone's light...
glimpses of eternity

and with work... one day i will fully grasp that light and shine for all to see and learn from
(maybe that's what stars are... hmmm)

thank you for allowing me to be who i was
and thank you for being who you were
in every aspect

love
j...
xoxoxo

letter to u... although u will never see it... i hope lol

Is it healthy to think of you as often as i do?
hmmm... probably not
but who knows really?

Do you think of me as much?
It's fine if you don't...
just let me know please
because I'd prefer if this were a mutual infatuation

Honestly, i am a little afraid... make that... TERRIFIED that i may be all alone in this again

not that you made me feel that way
i am sure it is just my own insecurities
you are just kind of perfect and i am worried you will find someone more suited for your idea of perfection maybe someone that you are more sexually attracted to or someone more masculine maybe... that's what usually happens... or someone with a bigger butt... yeah that's happened too...

If you are gonna do that, please just be open about it
i will learn to understand
Ideally I just want you to be happy because in turn that makes me happy

All i really want to do is just lie in the bed with you all day
or just have you lie in my lap and watch t.v. for hours
or maybe travel to some distant country and share some crazy adventure!

It's a lot like you are my drug
something like ecstasy
everything feels better, tastes better, sounds better, smells better when you are in mind

and i try to let you know without scaring you away... hence the fairly regular meaningless texts just saying "hey babe"...

i know it's only been a short amount of time but is it okay that i may have started (and finished) planning our lives together? (pretty sure it's not... ugh)

please don't think that i am crazy... i just like you a lot

and i am judging myself enough for the both of us after reading this lol

maybe i am a little crazy... but mainly crazy for u:)

Already...

Already, I feel your hand pulling away,

Or maybe its me subconsciously deciding to stray…

Deciphering between intuition and insecurity

Glass half full…

or is it half empty?

My tactic is to bare my whole self at first

Yours… stand atop your watchtower scanning for danger,

I wave white flags and heed your requests,

You stand steadfast and continue to test.

Safe in your fortress of red stained glass

Created from the innumerable broken hearts acquired in the past

is now standing between the two of us

distorting our image and creating an illusion of lack-lust

I am a predator and you are the prey

Dark as night to you, and you only travel by day.

Already, I feel your hand pulling away…

I grab a little harder and whisper “stay”

You pull a little more and turn your head away.