fickle gays!

so things have been the same i suppose. maybe a little busier. hence my lack of blogs.
i spent the other night speaking to this guy on the phone that i met online until 4:30 in the morning. knowing i had to work the next morning, i should have made a smarter decision, but i kind of wanted to be a rebel. you know i am only young once, and sometimes i think it's a good idea to do things out of the ordinary so that you can actually have experience into why you don't normally do them. i learned that i will probably never do that again because i now really know what the ramifications are. anyways... he was really attractive, 26 or so and his name was andre. we spoke for almost 5 hours, and it was one of the most draining conversations that i have ever had! he swore he knew everything, and figured if he argued with me long enough about something that i would conform to his idea. and granted he had very valid points, i would not agree with him. and he hated this lol. i hate know it alls, although i do tend to have my moments as well. but the fact that i wouldn't agree with him just made him argue longer, so after a while i was just like "you have a very valid point, and i may not agree with you completely but i do respect your perspective". you dont know how hard it is for me to admit someone is right when they aren't, and its even harder when they are arrogant and me giving in just boosts their ego. he was very reminiscent of my stepfather, a Taurus (that says enough there), egotistical, confident, giving the impression that he cares just so that people think higher of him so he feels good about himself. and i am sure you are asking by now why the hell i stayed on the phone with him for so long... well i did find his confidence, and intelligence, and just the fact that he had well though out opinions on things, to be attractive. and he was very attractive physically as well. and because he was older, i thought maybe i could learn something from him. yeah... after debating with him about my thoughts "good music" vs. "bad music", and him telling me that i can't say whetever music was good or bad because i am an artist and apparently i am not supposed to have an opinion on the fact that i think that 50 cents music doesn't strike me as being music like mozart, or india arie, i was finished. he debated about how mary j. blige was better than mariah carey because she was a more intense performer (never mind the fact that instead of singing she just opens her mouth and screams whatever note suits the extreme amount of pain she is obviously in to sound that way). and that india arie was just boring so that made her inferior to 50 cent because he has exciting music (never mind the fact that my 10 year old sister can rap 50 cent songs almost as well as he can). the fact that he can write a good hook makes him an equivalent MUSICIAN as mozart! hell to the nah! he has knack for simple catchy poetry. i dont equate that to amazing musicianship. but whatever that is my opinion and i am fine with that. he later went into how effeminate qualities weren't natural and i am not even going to go into that. he was determined to argue with me until i agreed with him! and if you know me, you know that wasn't going to happen. he called me an elitist, and said that i was bourgeois:) what ever... maybe i am, i really dont care. my thing is i have strong opinions on things and i am fine with everybody not thinking the same way as i do. anyways... he had some major issues, yet i was slightly entertained by his antics. and by the end he stopped arguing with me and the questions became a little more sexual, which i must say was intriguing. then he started raving about his requirements... hairless...(and if you know me, you know that is far from what i am) and young, and whatever else. he became so fickle! and superficial! ugh... disgusted me! and although i told him i was not meeting all of his "prerequisites" he still liked me a lot. yeah... and i told him good night and realized that more than any other feeling i had towards him i was mostly afraid to disappoint him. i was very insecure and kind of shaken up after all of this. and if this was just the start of things... then this was definitely a no.
i came to the conclusion that meeting people online in general was not good for me. given my insecurities and being in the process if learning to truly love myself for everything that i am, meeting people who have "prerequisites" before meeting up makes me really insecure. its just not for me. i cant be around such superficiality... and i would like to say to all my gay people... learn to love each other for who we are. only excepting those extremely masculine, attractive men, with six packs as being attractive is unreasonable. we are gay. it's ok for men to be effeminate and they can be attractive as well. and we just need to start focusing more on personality because thats how we can begin to have real relationships, not based on lust, or vanity. we can demolish our insecurities if we all just felt more accepted. and stop blaming straight people for all of our problems and take responsibility into our own hands. stop expecting straight people to treat us all the same when we can't even do it ourselves. lead by example!

sorry there is a little more to this story but i dont have the time to keep ranting lol.

HESITATION...

HESITATION
my hesitation drives me insane
knowing that at the root lies insecurity
a vain sence of insecurity
always needing to be absolutely sure before i jump
ensuring that i never break
but most of the time i am fairly sure of what the outcome will be before hand
but i still wait
i still hesitate
hes...i...tate...
driving myself insane
waiting in vain
hes............i..........tate...........
thinking to myself
just one more day...
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
ok...one more day
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
no! wait!... one... more... day...
and i will know for sure that i can jump and land safely
conveniently... forgetting... to... remember that i have legs all my own
that are able to easily withstand the fall alone
and yet i hesitate
.............
.............
hes.......
i...........
tate......
on the verge of insanity
to pacify my own vanity (or security. one in the same in this instance)
i...........HESITATE!!!!!!!!!
interestingly enough as much as i hate this process
i revel in the sheer fact that i am feeling strongly again
because as you see i have a problem allowing myself to feel
or at least act upon my feelings
letting them just die away one after another
many possibilities of love lost in my indifferent indecisiveness
can you see how this can be maddening?

i think i just want someone to say...
"stop! you are beautiful! you are amazing! i love everything about you! every flaw! its ok... you don't have to be perfect for me to love you!"
and i need to believe it
just one person to love me unconditionally
and i will be fine
...until then...
i hesitate...

they say that you just have to love yourself fully
and i feel i do love myself
but i have a hard time excepting my own flaws
believing that accepting them just leads to laziness
and an excuse to not be the best that i can be
so... i hesitate
and hesitate...
and when the day comes that i feel someone loves me unconditionally
i will see if that is enough for me.
until then i guess there's just
the constant aggrevation of
no alleviation
from this numbing isolation
of my invalidation...
simply... and subtly...
hesitation.

missed audition:(

sitting at my desk... india arie just came on the radio bringing a smile to my face... her music does something to me that i only wish i could describe in words. she sings away all worries, and pain, and stress. and the thing is she probably isn't even the best singer, but there is a quality to her voice that does something to the air it fills. it gives me hope that maybe thats what i am supposed to do.
i am a little upset because i just found out that alicia keys had auditions yesterday for back-up singers! and i of course didn't find out until today. the only thing i can do to not be uspet is to just remind myself that it just wasn't meant to be. maybe i will get a gig with india! who knows. i just have to be optimistic.
yesterday was my mothers b-day. and i was going to write something about her but i don't want to write something that's not worthy of her... and since i don't really have time, i am not going to attempt to throw something together. just know that she is an amazing woman, and is the reason i am the way that i am today. i love her with all of my heart and hope to give back to her all that she has given to me.
ommm... i guess that all that's on my mind really, i mean there are other things but i don't want to keep repeating things in previous blogs. so peace... :)

what drunkenness brings about...

The weekend was relaxing. The weather was very autumn like. my roomate left for LA for a couple of weeks giving us boys a break (and of course as i type this my phone is vibrating from a text message from her). andre and i grocery shopped, and relaxed all day with our friend hassan (an ex interest of mine who didn't work out so well, who may be now turning towards andre). i made sausage gravy from scratch which gave me some sense of home. then last night our friend abdul got back from his trip to europe and invited us out to a club called hiro which i have never been very fond of. but ivan called and insisted that robbie and i go... so we did. courtney and quinton didn't like this very much being as though they have been begging us to go there for a minute and i always declined. but they are only going to go to find boys anyways to leave me all to my lonesome attempting to move to music that i am not very fond of, with a bunch of people i don't find very appealing... hmmm... no. anyways so we went and had a pretty good time! ivan made sure i had a good time up until he went and danced with some boy... which was partially my fault because i told him that if he liked him he shouldn't stop himself and that i would be fine. and i was for a while submersing myself in my drunkenness and the lights and music kept me entertained for a while. and then of course jealousy began to rear its ugly head, especially since i was drunk. of course i didn't react at all as if it didn't affect me, and i can't blame him if i am not honest about my feelings towards him. whatever. by the end of the night i had been through a whole array of emotion, although i must say it was the first time i have actually allowed myself to really feel anything for a while so it was almost enjoyable in a weird kind of way. i tried not to think of it too much but for some reason when i am drunk my thoughts run wild. i am over it now though so i guess thats all that really matters. i really hate that i drag these things out so much and allow them to plague me for such a long time. but i am so afraid of being vulnerable sometimes that i will not allow myself to risk it. i feel like if i become vulnerable, i don't have anybody strong enough to catch me if i should fall... i feel like my friends need me to be strong and there is no room for weakness on my part. and the truth is my friends are all amazing people who could easily catch me and i would trust them to but i hate feeling like a burden on people. i need to allow myself to live a little more i suppose and stop trying to be so controlled all the time. its actually something i have been working on but i guess its time to really just let go and live life a little more. and ironically they have all told me that too.

i knew there was a reason i work on wall st.!!!

OMG! so... read this, and then I will explain. and if you know me already then you would already understand by just reading the article!...

Thursday, 13-Sep-2007, 2:54AM EDT Posted by LynnMoney Honey
We know that songbird Mariah Carey owns a splashy triplex apartment in TriBeCa, but apparently one downtown home isn't enough.Our ever-vigilant spies have seen her on numerous occasions at the Philippe Starck-designed 15 Broad St. building in the Wall Street area. After a little digging, we've discovered she's renting a furnished two-bedroom, two-bath condo on a high floor in the former J.P. Morgan headquarters for approximately $8,000 per month."She's there only at night," said our source in the building.
Source: New York Post

I work at 20 Broad st. 15 Broad st. is right on the other side of the street! like I am looking out of my window at 15 Broad now! Many of my customers live in that building! the only problem is Mariah only comes at night. If I were only a little more fanatical I would camp out and wait to see her! and for all those that don't know me, I have been in love with Mariah Carey since I was 4 years old. She is one of the main reasons as to how I discovered that I could sing. and I just have a thing for divas, especially those who defy all odds and haters! lol that has made my morning.

omm... besides that i guess it's a normal morning. and last night robbie and I took the 3 year journey to the dreaded bronx to hang out at ivans house. I must say that one... it was really ghetto. two... the boys get hotter and hotter the further in you go, and oddly homo (they all try to pretend there not as they break there neck looking at us as we walk by). three... to be as "hard" as they are, they sure do dress very metro. and four... if it weren't so far i would contemplate moving there lol. anyways we had fun at ivan's. still i am slightly reluctant to tell him that i am beginning to like him. but in speaking to robbie and amber about it, i think the best thing to do would be to just tell him nonchalantly and not make it a big deal. if he is feeling similarly then we will handle it from there and if not, things go back to normal. luckily i have this ability to hold control my feelings for someone... at least up until i allow myself to fall for them. after that, then there is no return. but i haven't completely let myself fall for him to protect myself, and i refuse to swoon for anybody that is not reciprocating lol.

hmmm... wednesdays

not really much to write about today besides the fact that the weather is beautiful. its just chilly enough for a hoodie, and the air is slightly crisp. no humidity making my skin sticky and my mood irritable. the beginnings of my favorite time of the year... Autumn! my b-day, halloween, moving into the holidays, lots of nostalgia, and good memories. pumpkin pie, and beff stew. fall fairs back home, and scarecrow making. oranges and yellows, reds and browns. i love it all. i love the jackets and layering of clothes, hats and scarves. riding in the car looking at the colorful trees. i love it all! maybe i will write a poem about it later...

but anyways i am trying to get over this cold for the weekend so last night i went home and went to sleep so there wasn't much to write about i suppose. tonight the boys and i are supposed to go to ivans to finally watch the VMA's in their entirety. tell you tomorrow what i thought.

thinking of sleep...

She sings a sirens song in my mind calling on my eyes to shut with her soft lullaby,
as my head dances to and fro never resting ensuring that she wont catch me.
With her promises of alleviation from reality and deliverance into a dreamworld where anything I may desire is just a thought away.
where I can bend reality into unimaginable shapes and colors.
so alluring, so enchanting, so easy to give into...
she has the tendency to leave me open-mouthed, and sometimes drooling at the sight of her.
cruelly teasing me, she runs away when I need her the most leaving me wide eyed in the middle of night thinking about how I should be with her...
and in the day when she should hide is when she consumes my mind pulling me closer and closer to incoherence as I sit at my desk at work.
Sleep is her name and she taunts me so...

sick weekend

i ordered my apple cinnamon tea as usual this morning, and the quote attached to the little string was ...

"All love that has not friendship for its base is like a mansion built upon the sand." Ella Wheeler Wilcox

this leads to a lesson i have recently learned about myself. i had been looking like everyone else to find love. following my friends leads on to sites to meet people thinking that i could meet someone online and it lead to something lasting and real. and i realized thats not what these sites were for. and where may have worked well for my highly sexual, and experienced friends, it is not for me. these people want hook ups either for sexual alleviation or to temporarily fill some void. i am not looking for either of these. i find that knowing someone first is so much better. it diminishes many of the insecurities that come along with meeting someone with the intention of more than just friendship. its just much more comforting and just smarter in general. i am the kind of person this quote refers to.

this weekend was a sick weekend. friday night i caught whatever it was that all of my friends had been battling with all week. i caught a fever, sore throat, stuffy nose, headache... it was just bad. i stayed at robbie and quinton's house with dre and courtney and we chilled and watched movies. of course the 2 party animals courtney, and quinton went out but the rest of us stayed and chilled. saturday i slept on and off until almost 6! and if you know me 6 o'clock is ridiculously late! but i was sick so whatev i guess. i got up and went home and did the same there. sunday morning i was feeling better and i got up and cleaned the bathroom with the intention of cleaning the rest of the house... it never happened lol. dre and i got up and got cute and met ivan for dinner at The Pink Tea Cup, a little soul food place in the village. we spoke over our fried chicken and collard greens. soul food takes me back home to Virginia and makes me feel calm in the midst of all the craziness in Manhattan. sitting with andre and ivan was really relaxing. andre with his southern ways, and ivan just so layed back and engaging. they make me calm and were the perfect mix for a a sunday night dinner. another great thing about this restaraunt is the juke box. it has every kind of music you can imagine, and what it doesn't have i think you can pay a little extra and download the song to the juke box! its amazing! after that we went to robbiy and quinton's house again to chill since we had already missed the britney spears performance on the VMA's. (luckily Ivan recorded it so we are going to go to his house sometime this week to watch). we just chilled there for a while, talked about the norm and laughed like always. now its monday morning and and i sit here at work drinking my apple cinnamon tea (that i am now finishing and realized that i sweetened just a little too much), listening to light jazz, recovering from my cold, looking out the window at wall street, feeling oddly content in this moment. i think this blog is definitely a good thing for me. it helps me put all of these whirling, introspective, thoughts into some sort of order:)

love again... i am such a hopeless romantic:)

"We accept the love we think we deserve."
i love this quote. it was in this book i am reading called "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" i haven't read much but it's really good so far. kind or quirky and interestingly written. and i think the author is the same guy that wrote "Running With Scissors."
Anyways back to the quote... its so true. I have started liking people before that i thought subconciously that i didn't deserve. they were too nice, and too rich, and liked me way too much, and i felt as if i was almost taking advantage of them. spending all of their time consumed on making me happy. it scared me because i thought at some point or another they are going to see the "real me," although i was never fake, and not like me any more. and then i have been with people on the opposite end of that spectrum where they loved me too, but i felt that they weren't worth my time because it was destined to fail in the end. i felt they couldn't handle me. so i would slowly become evasive and slip away when they weren't looking. finding myself alone again. but now that i realize this thanks to this book, maybe i can accept the love people offer me.... we will see:)

another day...

another day...
passes again...
another day...
passes again...
nothing great...
nothing terrible...
and this is why i become complacent...
and this is why i become complacent...
i may try to find beauty in this day,
but to force myself to find beauty from nothing could go one of two ways...
becoming complacent and settling for nothing to make me happy...
or having a sense of pseudo happiness to passify my mind...
i'd rather be discontent lol...

how amusing things can be sometimes...

the weird mood that i have been going through the last couple of days that i like to call P.MAN.S (lik pms), is finally fading. i feel a little better, and a little less jaded. thank god... i was beginning to drive myself crazy!
ommm... you know its funny how things work sometimes. there was this straight boy in high school that i had a crush on. he recently hit me up on myspace and told me he likes boys!! exciting! anyways he and i have had a fairly fun flirtatious dialogue running the past couple days that has kept me fairly intrigued. i am going to see him when i go back home! the only thing i am a little worried about is the fact that he has a girlfriend. for some reason i don't take it that seriously though. maybe i should... maybe i shouldn't... i don't know. but i don't know what his intentions are with me either so until it comes up i suppose we are going to keep it friendly. and i am going to conveniently stop thinking about it there hehe... just be spontaneous, because apparently i am too safe with my heart according to my friends.

circles of unanswerable questions...

its funny how ambers blog was very similar to what i have been thinking all weekend. leaving the advice that i gave on her blog is what i constantly tell myself in order to maintain some kind of sanity, but it seems as if it's becoming harder and harder to not become disillusioned with life, people, dreams, sanity, and love most of all. as a child, and even up until very recently i believed that the greater good always prevails. and where that philosophy works well with me, others don't seem to follow or even care about this rule. people do things that they know are wrong, and know will have consequences, yet they do them anyways. as if to test the laws of the universe, tipping the scales to see if they tip back. doing absurd things to prove to themselves that they have some kind of power, whether it be good or bad... they are in some way affecting something major. i wonder how people think... i have no other option than to be highly introspective and overthink everything, it would be such a luxury to not have to do so... do people physically not think like i do, or do they just choose to not think? but how can one choose to not think? do you have to think of not thinking, and in that one is still thinking... or are they just absent of thought. if only my brain could just be void occasionally, instead of plaguing me with this constant stream of questions about things that probably cannot be answered. my mind runs in circles asking questions of this sort which is why i just become so disenchanted with life and people. ugh as you see... i am rambling now, one thought leads to another, and then another, never really ending. one question leads to the next, and the next, halfway answering one and leading to another. never answering fully any of these unanswerable questions. and the biggest question is are there really people who don't think like this? how can ones mind not be working? are they void of thought, or are there thoughts just less complex? like... what's for dinner tonight? or what's going to be on oprah? and while these questions also go through my head, i don't allow them to stay long because they really aren't that important, so why waist time thinking of such menial things? then... is it that i choose to think this way, since i won't waist my time thinking of menial things? do people not have the same opinions about menial thinking? and if they don't, do they really believe that thinking about such menial things is going to get them anywhere in life? or do they not care? are they content being content in conditions that one shouldn't be content with? which brings me full circle... do people just not care? and i become disillusioned once again with people in general, never reaching their full potential, or being the best that they possibly can, never living up to what one could possibly live up to. leading a fairly meaningless life doing nothing of great value. i suppose there has to be balance, and people have to think that way just like there people who have to think this way. is it anatomy, or fate? lol my roomate andre says that i have a superiority complex, and think tooooo deeply. but agian i don't choose to think this way, i think:), i just choose to not think on a small scale, for to me that is a waist of time. lol circles and circles... what was this blog originally about:)?

ps: don't even get me started on my thoughts on love... lol