do i need a therapist or do they?

last night after work, and the gym, i went home prepared to stay in and go to bed on time, but of course that didn't happen. my roommates (mind you they are both in the process of finding an job, which means no worry about waking up god awful early like myself), decided they were gonna go out to some little club in midtown called "escualitas" or something of the sort. i initially had no desire to go because i have been there and had no interest really in the little queens that go there to vogue normally. but then as i found out that most of my friends were going, i got dressed and tagged along. surprisingly the club had many cute boys, and tall for that matter! - I have found that in New York the population of tall, men is seemingly null and void, i think the average height here is like 5'8- Anyways... the place was highlighted by these two beautiful male go-go dancers! too hot for words! my friends and i swooned over them between our dances, when we needed breaks. I was dancing so hard my knees still hurt from the "dutty wind" lol. the night was overall fairly fun, attractive men, a drag show to whitney houston, a vogue and hip hop dance competition, and good music, what else can one ask for?
On the way home at about 4:30 in the morning we were having a discussion on the train and all of my friends seemed to be so aroused by the go go dancers. now i thought they were really hot, and i swooned just as much if not more than they did but i wasn't really aroused by the idea of having sex with these men. they were all hot and bothered, wanting to just take these men on where they stood. I on the other hand was just fine slipping a dollar in the dancers underwear and smiling at him. like admiring a work of art, and in my mind their bodies were works of art. but for my friends they wanted more... they wanted every part of these men... they wanted, rough, rugged, raunchy... you figure out the rest:) when i hold them that i didn't share this urge, they looked at me like i was crazy. granted, they know me well enough to expect something like that from me, but they proceeded to tell me that i needed to see a psychiatrist. apparently i have some kind of problem... andre's words were "you have the soul of a 40 year old white woman!" lol.
I have had sex a few times before, forcing myself to try it i wanted to see what the hype was all about, but i have never truly been amazed by it. i have come to the realization that in order to love sex, i am going to have to be with someone i love, or care very deeply about. not some random, attractive guy. so the question is... is this normal that my sex drive isn't really through the roof like most of my peers? should i desire to have raw... passionate... sex... with random attractive guys? i don't know... i probably do have some kind of emotional issue tied, in one way or another, to my views on sex, but should that stop my sex drive?do my friends have too much sexual desire? are they the ones who need the help? how would i rather be? .... hmmm... who knows?:)

La Musique

I didn't have much to write about today so... I thought I would write something. ps... this is really rough, but it'll do.





The notes encompass my soul,
The feeling of the song wraps around my thoughts,
Making me feel the music so much that I seem to drift away.
The rhythm cradles me and rocks me to its soft, slow, beat…
Dah…dah…dah…dah… dah…dah…dah…dah…
my eyes close to help focus on the place the music takes me to,
soft, serene… feeling the emotion of the song without physically having to go through the experience again.
“What am I to you? Tell me darling true. To me you are the sea, vast as you can be, deep the shade of blue”
and he was… the sea… as vast as one could be, and deep like the color of the ocean…
At first just teasing me with light waves splashing on my feet… but of course I wanted more…To feel the water surround me… and I dove in head first… too deep…
I was lost in him, wishing he would see me the way I saw him,
Knowing he never would, because like the sea, he had an agenda all his own that I could not even begin to sway.
As much as I pushed and kicked the waves kept pushing me back further and further, while simultaneously pulling me deeper and deeper.
Until finally I was helplessly caught in the current and drowning in him…
No sense of up or down, no idea of where I was besides in his world…
So I gave up and just allowed myself to be carried by the current.
To bask in the freedom of the weightlessness of his world, where I no longer pulled the strings, where he had full control.
My world being a distant memory that was too far to try and return to now and to mesmerized to care...
So I float…lost…weightless…nothing mattered anymore… simply, consumed by him…
So entranced that I forget that I needed to breathe… dangerously close to completely losing myself in this vast unknown bliss.
and in the nick of time he pushed me ashore and I remembered, before it was too late, to breathe.
Left ashore naked, alone, cold, lying on sharp rocks, reminding me that real life hurts and that I can’t stay afloat forever.
I have to be able to walk alone.
So I pick my self up, stumbling, and seemingly heavier than before.
Gaining my consciousness and strength back with every step…
And since then I have been afraid of the ocean…
Only allowing myself to splash in the shallow waves,
Fearing to go any further than ankle deep.
“What am I- to you?” the song slowly fades as reality slowly reemerges in the silence.



Maya Angelou said it best... "Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness"

stage fright!

first i wanna thank you amber for the comment on my last blog, funny thing is i was just giving the same advice to courtney last night who in my eyes has the same problem 10 fold, but i did admit to having a problem with relationships and longing for love/attention. thanks:). anyways... yesterday i went to my first audition since i have been in the city! I suffer with fairly severe stage fright when it comes to auditions. I hate being judged on the one thing that i hold so dear... my voice/music. its hard for me to stand there in front of people who know music and hear them critique me. and although i know that i sing very well and truth is i am not really insecure about my voice, i am actually pretty confident, i think i am more afraid of what they will say about me in general. and as much as people say that one shouldn't care about what other people think about them, i haven't quite reached that level yet. when singing at an audition i can kind of relate it to standing in front of people naked and hearing them pick your physical flaws apart. anywhooo... I auditioned for this traveling harlem gospel choir that was looking for talent to take with them to europe. i sang "his eye is on the sparrow" and "this little light of mine", for lack of better gospel songs in my repertoire lol. the first thing they told me was that i had a great look and a great personality as i turned on the charm when i walked into the room... but when it came time to tell the accompanist to what i was going to sing i could feel body begin to get that nervous awkward type of feeling, like all of a sudden i become self conscious of every move my body makes therefore making things even more awkward. i had to sing loudly over the piano so my voice would fill the giant room enough for the judges to hear me. at the end they asked me very nicely, with big smile if i was nervous... and i told them that i had not auditioned in a while. they said that it was fine, that i just needed to sell myself more. i sang "this little light of mine" and didn't do much more then either. they then told me that i had an amazing voice, great look, great personality, but when it came time to perform that i was too stiff. they needed someone that was comfortable on stage. so in general they told me what i already knew. but i guess it was nice that they liked my voice so much. the truth is that i am not as much of a performer as i am a musician. I love singing for the emotion of it. i don't care to command big audiences or sell out giant stadiums, i just want to make good music to help people get through their rough times, or give them an escape from the world, like my music does for me. but i do need to get over this whole stage fright thing... they were right i have nothing to be nervous about, i am very proud of who i am.

"I can't get no satisfaction!"

I seem to never be satisfied.... this morning I woke again with that weird half empty feeling. Like everything is getting old to me already. I just moved to New York about 6 months ago thinking that my feelings of complacency that I had in Virginia would dissapear, and they seemed to for a while. I suppose they were overshadowed by the constant rush and business created by the city. I am beginning to get very frustrated with myself because I can't seem to find happiness. I remember back when I was in high school, and even middle school when I would wake up in the morning so excited and ready to face the world. I just seemed to wake up on cloud nine, and it wasn't because of living situations, because my family was even less stable then. It just seemed like my optimism on life was so strong. I felt like I had so much to look forward to. I am only 20 years old and have my whole life ahead of me but for some reason I seem to be losing my sense of optimism it seems. Nothing seems to ever be good enough anymore. I thought pursuing my dreams and immersing myself in my art, life, friends, depth, and fun would ease this wierd longing feeling... but it doesn't. The only time I seem to have that floaty, optimistic, larger than life, feeling is when I begin to have feelings for someone, and actually believe that the person likes me back.

This kind of worries me because I feel like I shouldn't allow someone elses feelings toward me to dictate my mood. I should be able to just be happy alone. Then again... I am fairly happy I suppose, no real complaints, just maybe a little bored with everything. I am lacking inspiration, and I think subconciously I believe that love will bring that inspiration.

This weekend I rested a lot. Which was desperately needed, I haven't rested literally since my first week in New York. Even when I go home to visit Virginia to get away from the city I am constantly busy seeing old friends and family. Every body seems to get a piece of me and sometimes it's hard to find peices for myself. I am left scrounging for the few pieces that are left. Anyways... Besides resting I helped paint the boys new apt. in the east village with Ivan. After the night I was feeling rather down being as though I wasn't receiving the attention I wanted from Ivan. He seemed to stay fairly friendly with me, but then again he is probably just taking my lead... I am afraid to flirt with him because I don't want to risk our friendship. In talking to Quinton afterwards he told me that I need to flirt more because I showed no more than a friendly interest. But I am afraid to flirt... afraid that he doesn't actually like me, and then things would get weird and he won't want to come around anymore. So i figure why risk it? Courtney and Robbie also told me that they believe most people are generally attracted to me but I give off such a friendly, uninterested vibe that people are afraid to approach me in a more than friendly manner and skip straight to friends... This would explain why I have so many friends!! Ugh! i need to learn to be more available! lol.

Artistic Motivation...

Since yesterday a lot has happened, as usual in my life... It never ceases to amaze me how much I can fit into 24 hours. So I will go over the three major highlights...
-First, last night after the gym I was walking with Robbie and Courtney around chelsea looking for Quiznos (which I love!) and we ran into a small furniture shop that Robbie was going to buy a couch from. As I was browsing I saw a large upright piano in really good condition. It seemed as if it had been there for a while and the owner didn't quite know what to do with it. I believe it had papers and random books stacked upon the top of it. Anyways I joked with the owner and asked him how much he would sell it to me for, and he surprisingly responded with a mere $500!!!! After I picked myself up from the ground from fainting at the idea that I was about to fulfill a dream I have always had (to own a vintage piano), i went over and tinkered with it a bit. It was a bit out of tune, but nothing that I can't get repaired. Anyways I didn't happen to have the $500 to put down then but I told him to hold onto it and that I would be back. I am going to make it a birthday gift to myself along with whoever wants to chip in lol. Once I get it I am thinking about stripping the wood and staining it blue, or maybe like a vintage yellow. So excited!!!

Second- I went home early last night to catch up on the sleep and succeeded... halfway lol. I decided at 10 to lie down and watch a movie, which normally puts me to sleep in a matter of minutes lol. I put on the movie Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley (or however you spell it). It was amazing! I saw it in the theater and thought it was great then, but the second time was just as good! I couldn't take my eyes off! So needless to say I was up until 12:30 watching it, and i have to put up with another exausting day of trying to stay awake at my desk.

And Third- I decided that I really need to get out of the bank that I work in soon. I mean it's great and all that I work on wall st., and I suppose that is advantageous for my resume, but I am a singer! So I looked up the Backstage website for auditions and what have you... I found thid really neat audition for a Harlem Gospel Choir that is soon to be touring europe for a couple of months! I am going to audition on Tuesday, and I convinced my roomate Andre to audition with me! I really think I have a good chance of making it, so wish m good luck.... oh! and the pay starts at $600 a week and goes up to $1200! even better!
On a side note... Tonight I am going to paint at Robbie and Quintons new place in the East village, with Ivan... I will tell you about it later... and I will try to add some pics over the weekend to add a little more life to my page:)

Later...

what do i think about ivan?

So this is my first blog... don't quite know what to say... so...

Its Thursday! One more day until the weekend! This doesn't excite me as much as it used to because in New York City all the days seem to run together anyways. I just feel like I am working on the weekend all week. I never seem to get to bed before 1 or 2 so it matters not that the weekend is coming, because I sleep even less on the weekends since they are so jampacked.

On another note... I decided to tell my 3 of best friends (Robbie, Quinton, and Courtney), that I think I may be beginning to have feelings for another friend in our group. Ironically 2 of the 3 of them have had some kind of relation with him. Nothing serious or sexual, but slightly more intense than a friendship. You know... making out, or harmless flirtation. They think it is a good idea because we have complimentary personalities. So maybe I will give it a chance...

Ivan... is his name. I met him through Courtney about 4 months ago. Honestly since the first time I met him I found him to be rather intriguing and totally my type, although he would never know because I am really secretive about my feelings for people, especially when the person has had feelings for a close friend of mine. I don't want any drama. The only real hang up I have had is his height... I am about 6'1 and he is about 5'8ish. Ideally I would like someone at least around my height, but I feel like I could be missing out on a major opportunity here if I decide to be shallow. Besides that, he is great! Amazingly sweet, attentive, attractive, beautiful body, modest, intelligent, driven, loyal, and a leo. He is very laid back, yet aggressive enough to not bore me, being as though I am so passive in relationships. I honestly have done a lot of thinking about it (as I usually do with everything), and I can see myself together with him for a very long time. That may be a lot to think about before I even know if he likes me back or not, but that's just the way my brain works.

Another thing he wants like 10 kids! ommm.... Now I like kids and all... and thought that at the most I could deal with... hmmm... 2 lol. 10! yeah not gonna happen. Ok, now I am taking this a little far, thinking of kids and all...

Anyways, we will see what happens from here.