a moment with you in the moonlight

whisper in my ear your materialized emotions
so that I can rest upon them.
blissfuly I dance to your rhapsody...
The tangible world melds into my temporary reality
where time is lost and gravity shifts from below my feet
to in between our bodies.
all material desires vanish
your moonlit kisses and silver hands paint my skin with their warmth...
I melt into you until we are a single entangled form...
and we dine together on bliss

Rushing In...

I rush in...

Mind prying mouth open,

vommiting out all of my imperfection in spurts.

wincing in between...

peering through squinted eyes

awaiting the moment you tire of my self deprecation.

I spill it all on the ground

to gauge how far you'll bear my burdens.

surely you will sink like the rest...

floating is uncommon among men it seems.

My walls quickly change from concrete to glass

in order for you to see me

but not touch me (still some control)

Vulnerable I am ,

but not completely exposed.

Experience advises time to step in

before placing my heart in your custody,

and I do heed this lesson.

Cruel Ambiguity

fear seeps through the confines of my mind
quickly permeating through my entire body...
reaching my face and deadening the muscles that shape my smile
then quickly pouring into my chest emptying it and uprooting my insecurities.
it poisons my heart and causes it to retract
slowly the red dulls to grey,
intensity into solemnity,
dangling pitifully now in the black space.
my limbs tingle with resentment towards my heart for allowing such vulnerability,
and the familiar feeling of disenchantment renders me oddly restless and weary
my mind is still scouring every moment of our last interaction to find out why...

you didn't call today

Justine and I had a ball this weekend! If i could figure out how to get the videos off my phone and into this here computer... i would share more but lord knows that is a task all its own... :)

Mariah lately

Let me just say Mariah has been BEAT lately! I am loving this new image and attitude! and her CD is great! (a little cliche' but it's a good cruisin cd) Muah... love u Mariah!! My inspiration to be me and be happy no matter what. Life has many obstacles but we will always prevail if we believe in ourselves.

My favorite lyrics of hers...

("Close My Eyes" Butterfly CD)

"I was a wayward child with the weight of the world that I had deep inside. Life was a winding road and I learned many things little ones shouldn't know... But I'd close my eyes steady my feet on the ground raise my head to the sky, and as time rolls by... still I feel like a child as I look at the moon... maybe I grew up a little too soon. Guardian Angel I sail away on an ocean with you by my side, orange clouds roll by they burn into your image and your still alive."

Shout out to Amber! :)

I cannot say that sometimes I don't silently enjoy rejection.

As a reminder of my humanity...

In the pain of inadequacy I somehow learn to smile at what life has thrown my way.

I assume it makes me stronger in some way...

I slowly feel my heart callus.

The world teaching me not to believe in love...

My spirit driving to prove the world wrong.

random thoughts this morning

my random thoughts this morning...

*I wanna do yoga but I haven't made enough time... not treating my body the way it should be. I deserve better.
*I wonder if amber and courtney are going to read this...
*speaking of courtney... I miss him.
*and Ivan... but he just left, boo... I get my self into the most ridiculous situations sometimes.
*Ooh dinner with abdul and robbie should be sufficiently fun
*FAT comes this weekend!!!!!! can't wait.
*I miss dre too
*no more vacations to places I don't really care to go to, and the next one needs to be more vacation like... partying i can do at home
*I had fun at Brandon's house last night!
*"I'll be lovin u long time" new mariah song is stuck in my head
*I should be working but my managers not here...
*I had eggs and turkey bacon on wheat toast this morning and it was still too heavy... my eating habits have really changed my body.
*i hate wearing this suit.
*Hillary or Obama... so many mixed reviews... I don't know which would be better... I really am fearing for our country either way... can we regain our respect and success. am i still proud of my country...hmm
*beautiful weather!
*ooh kelly clarkson is playing. reminds me of virginia, and bank of america
*I wonder if my moms ok... then i don't because she is the most resilient person i've ever known
*Ha I can picture courtney on his bed dancing in his mothers dresses and shoes as a child
*do i want children? ... yeah, no real answer yet...
*i wanna write poetry right now but i am being to lazy and this came out probably because i fear that it won't be up to my standards of good... fear of failure... blah.
*its always daunting finding out why u do the things you do when it comes from a negative place... i guess that's why people don't think so deeply and avoid their problems...

ok that's enough:)

Premonition

Sunlight pours into the room through the massive window to my left. I can only see it through my peripheral vision, and the glare from the setting sun hazes my view. Blocks of sunlight slowly drift over my barren feet, leaving a trail of warmth in their path. The soft summer breeze blows the long white sheers making them dance gaily in the empty space in the room. I stand there with the cool wooden floor beneath my feet reminding me of my childhood, staring at a large, antique, white, door in front of me. There's a comfort of being home, in my own house. No anxiety racing through my head. A feeling of contentment with my current knowledge and life. In this moment I am living in the future, reminiscing over the past, watching it from the present. A feeling I have never experienced. Thank you Universe for granting me a sliver of the future to chew upon to hold off my hunger, yet not too much to spoil my appetite.

...

Wretched mirror! My unwavering foe... I cringe at the sight of your countenance!

The scales of a Libra

clarity For me comes at a high price.
higher Than gold even...
i Teeter up and down like my astrological emissary.
blissful Highs
and
wallowing Lows
but When the sides level
nirvana...
materializing As if it's for me to touch.
all The time I spend in limbo may be maddening
to Myself and those i encounter
but In the end i suppose it's all
worthwhile...


So... to those that encounter my madness I do apologize and thank you at the same time:)

It's a good day

I think I am beginning to pull the curtains back and allow the sunshine in again. It's funny that as much as I love the sun I seemed to be running from it. Afraid to let people see the real me. Afraid that the real me wasn't worthy of sunlight. Thanks to my friends and excessive amounts of introspection I am realizing that the only way to truly be happy is to love myself for all that I am. Every "flaw" makes me... me, and I wouldn't want to try and be "perfect", that would take away from my individuality. Thank you to all who have helped me to grow... It's a good day:)