Bell Hollow

The hollowness in the center of me makes a bell like sound, resounding through my entire being. Reverberating in my head. A solid, strong, solitary, "Gong". Ringing through my ears and making my soul shutter with fear.
Even when surrounded by 8 million strangers, even when surrounded by an entire group of people who love me unconditionally... loneliness still manages to creep in and hollow me out. It steals my smile and dulls the sparkle in my eyes.
As much as I loathe this feeling, I am almost equally as terrified to lose myself too much in the moment. I feel chasing moments will lead me to losing everything I have worked hard to get. It would ruin my direction and I will spend my life looking for moments instead of allowing them to come to me. Spending life searching for moments would make the moments worth less than if I didn't expect them, and they just came to me out of the blue...
Who knows...
My mind says think first, and act accordingly. Don't just willingly fall into any relationship with blinded eyes in order to pacify your hearts thirst. My heart says do what you feel, and lose yourself in the one thing that inspires you the most. The one thing that teaches the most meaningful lessons. The one thing that makes everything else in the world seem minuscule. Love. My heart reaches for whomever reaches back... recklessly falling for many, and any... even those I cannot have, further instigating its own torment. Like a starving animal caught in a trap, it would chew away the in between matter attaching it to me if it could. Luckily no mouth has it been granted or else it would surely be the demise of us both. The constant struggle between heart and mind leave me weary and exhausted.
She's willing to risk all for a "hit" of this Ecstasy, while he would rather wait for a constructive alignment. But he is losing his ground... and in this limbo my soul tears. Hanging by shredding threads, standing upon a precipice... stand or allow myself to fall?
The waves below whisper my name and wind tempts me as it wraps around my body pulling me closer to the edge. The danger of the fall exhilarates and frightens me simultaneously. Sometimes one must step outside of oneself to get the full perspective, do what they wouldn't usually do to understand why they didn't do it to begin with. Should I fall?

Fantasy

Faery goddess of the dawn

grant me dew to quench my thirst

and sunlight to warm my body from the dark night.

Love has forsaken me and left me naked and helpless

lying in this meadow shivering in the pale moonlight.

Take me under your wings until I can stand on my own again

Fill my head with your fantasies of infinite bliss

until my heart learns to believe them again...

and the pain subsides.


This poem is spawned from my fear of becoming disenchanted with love, like everyone else in the world seems to be. When I tell people about my views on love they look at me with pity, as if I was spewing some sort of nonsensical tarradiddle from my mouth, as if love is this false entity that only exists in fairy tales. Sometimes it is hard to believe wholeheartedly in something when there is no one else on your side. Blind faith is a discipline that is seemingly impossible to master, but somehow I manage to keep believing. Not to say that I don't occasionally doubt myself, but luckily I am stubborn enough to hold fast to my ideals. I have this desire to prove to the world that if you believe in something enough, even if all the odds are against you... it will eventually come. (and just in case you think I believe in faeries, this is my reference to God. I just think that God is better suited as a faery goddess in this instance... its much more whimsical. And the fact that I am asking a "fictitious" character to restore my faith in something that most people don't believe in, seemed to amuse me too :)